DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband bought a penis pump. I didn't ask him where he got it but I suspect a garage sale, as the box I found was a bit dusty and I'm not sure if they make them any more. It turn out he's always worried he wasn't pleasing me entirely because his penis was too small. I laughed out loud; that has never been the problem. The problem is he's a lousy kisser. When I told him this, he cried tears of relief more than embarrassment. "Well then, teach me how you want me to kiss you!" he said. And I did. He's still not the kind of kisser who makes you mist over but he's willing to keep learning. Why do guys think the penis has to be the biggest deal in sex? -- Professor of Kissing
Dear Professor: Actually the brain is the biggest organ for great sex. A good kisser knows how to tease a woman to the point where she's begging for a deep soul kiss. The same goes for other moves. Hold back -- release. Someone should write a song about it and do the world a favour.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a wealthy man with a big company in Winnipeg and can handle anything -- except my own love life, as it turns out. For years, I had a beautiful, younger divorced lady on the side, one who could keep a secret. My wife was busy with the kids and her own business, and she wasn't excited about me sexually. Recently I semi-retired and she got help at her store and we rejuvenated our lives with travel, romance and great sex. Bottom line? I dropped the other woman to be solely with my wife again. It felt right for me, but I misjudged the other woman. Last week, when I was out at the cabin fixing the deck, my ex-lover called my wife. They met in the restaurant of a downtown hotel. My wife says my lover started off by saying, "This hotel is where I met your husband every week for five years," and she quoted our favourite room number. My wife listened to her for two hours. She told me not to come anywhere near the house. Today she left a phone message saying she was selling her business to her partner, flying to New York to stay with her sister, and she wanted our beautiful home on the market. Her parting shot? "Why don't you call the hotel and ask if your special room is available by the month?" I've never seen her like this. I'm shaken and scared. I want my wife back. What can I do at this point? -- Terrified to Lose Her, Winnipeg
Dear Lost: I'm going to can the lecture you deserve and give you a plan. Book a hotel in New York City and fly there immediately. Call your wife on her cell as soon as you get settled. Ask her to meet you at the pond in Central Park. At the pond, ask her to please come with you to the Hamptons (a vacation area on the ocean) a few hours away where it's cooler, to talk things over. The last thing you should do is ask her up to a hotel room in the city, as you did with the other woman, so rent a bed-and-breakfast. Show her your rental car, pick up her stuff, and drive to the beach. NYC can be extremely hot and irritating in the summer, so she just might go. Speak from the bottom of your heart, tell her quietly how you felt abandoned, listen to her side and how she felt, apologize many times and fight for her. It's the best plan for now. Write back with what happens.