Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/6/2014 (696 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
There's only one more sleep until Canada Day, and all you tuque-wearing hosers know exactly what that means.
It means right now I should be draining the puddles in my backyard to get ready for our annual holiday barbecue, but instead I'm stuck in front of our home computer, drinking lukewarm coffee and trying to think of a topic to celebrate the fact our great nation is about to turn 147.
It also means I need to get to the nearest liquor store as soon as humanly possible because the lineup is already longer than a rainy day in Moose Jaw and it's moving slower than airport luggage.
But that's not what's important. What's important is, deep in your icy heart, in your soul of souls, in the marrow of your frozen bones, you know, without a shadow of a doubt, without stealing a single glance at your passport, you could not possibly be more Canadian.
How can you know that for sure? Easy, eh. Just sit down on the nearest chesterfield, mop your sweaty brow with a serviette, crack open a two-four and take our annual One Day Before Canada Day multiple-choice quiz:
1) Traditionally, you know spring has arrived in Canada when...
a) Canadian Tire is selling snow shovels for 50 per cent off.
b) The Toronto Maple Leafs have been spotted on the putting green.
c) The snow is slowly starting to melt, revealing the frozen corpses of the next-door neighbours who tried to barbecue on New Year's Eve.
d) Rob Ford is getting out of rehab.
2) When famed French explorer Jacques Cartier first laid eyes on this great nation in 1534 while searching for the Northwest Passage, he famously uttered which historic phrase:
a) "OMG! A mosquito the size of a mature Labrador retriever just flew away with the first mate!"
b) "Seriously? The NHL hasn't even been invented yet, and the Leafs have ALREADY been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs?"
c) "Let us set sail again, mon ami, because I need coffee and the (very bad French word) lineup outside that Tim Hortons is (another bad word) ridiculous!"
d) "I can see my maison from here."
2) Complete the following stirring lyric from our national anthem: "O Canada...
a) "We stand on cars and freeze."
b) "We stand on God for thee."
c) "My roaming naked band."
d) "Na na na na, hey, hey, goodbye!"
3) Which of the following famous quotes cannot be attributed to a Canadian:
a) "The medium is the message."
b) "Take off, eh!"
c) "Conscription if necessary, but not necessarily conscription."
d) "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"
4) If you are walking through a crowded shopping mall and a rude stranger bumps into you, the first thing to pop out of your Canadian mouth is...
a) "Hey, I'm walkin' here, I'm walkin' here!"
b) "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here!"
c) "Being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?' "
5) The official symbol of Canada is...
a) A mighty polar bear ripping the arm off an American tourist.
b) A beaver trying to avoid being turned into a hat.
c) Paul Henderson scoring the winning goal in the 1972 series against the Soviets.
d) Stephen Harper writhing in agony as he tries to contort his facial features into a smile.
6) Canada's official motto is...
a) "We take Canadian Tire money at par."
b) "Beam me up, Scottie!"
c) "A Mari Usque Ad Mare" (English: "From sea to sea").
d) "If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?"
7) If you were a Canadian border guard, which of the following would you not allow back into the country:
a) Justin Bieber.
b) Rob Ford.
c) Céline Dion.
d) The Canadian Senate.
e) All of the above.
OK, if your answer to that last question was "all of the above," help yourself to a double-double and some poutine, because you're definitely a patriotic Canuck. Happy Canada Day!