Beautiful Game lost on us

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A South Africa supporter walks outside the stadium before the match between South Africa and Mexico Friday. (LUCA BRUNO / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS)

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The World Cup tournament kicks off this morning as Mexico takes on host South Africa and on behalf of couch potatoes throughout this great nation I'd like to issue the following statement: "Rah!"

Yes, the World Cup is an incredibly exciting event. In fact -- and you can Google this if you think I'm lying -- it's the largest sporting and cultural event in the world, provided you don't count the part of the world that includes North America.

For those of you who currently live in North America -- if you're not sure, check your driver's licence -- the World Cup is held every four years and celebrates the sport of soccer, defined as "a sport your kids play and the main reason you had to buy a minivan."

Starting this morning, something like 26.3 billion viewers will be glued to their televisions for the next 31 days to watch a tournament involving 32 nations, none of which is Canada.

Sadly, that is true. Even the United States is in the World Cup, although, in terms of excitement generated among U.S. fans, soccer still lags well behind ice fishing, demolition derby, lawn darts and league bowling. But what's our excuse? How is it that tiny African nations such as Ghana and Cameroon -- a nation that has been known to boost its chances of victory by employing a team witch doctor -- have qualified, whereas Canada is left out in the metaphorical cold?

It would require a great deal of hard work and research to answer that question, so we won't do that. What we'll do instead is, from the perspective of someone who has never played the game, offer a few reasons why a sport beloved around the globe isn't part of Canada's DNA.

1) IT'S NOT PLAYED ON ICE -- It goes without saying that if a sport is played on a frozen surface and the participants are allowed to wear skates, Canada will be impossible to beat, other than the occasional loss to random Scandinavian nations with similar ice-making and beer-consuming abilities.

If soccer were played on ice every four years, Canadian TV viewers could relax on the couch, consume their weight in poutine and watch Don Cherry make fun of European players for wearing helmets.

2) TOO MUCH FALLING DOWN -- In your standard soccer match, players fling themselves to the ground and writhe in fake agony roughly every 30 seconds.

The way it works is Player A will pass within 30 metres of Player B, causing invisible molecules of oxygen to bump up against Player B, who will collapse and howl in agony to the point where Referee C will feel compelled to summon, at minimum, an ambulance and a priest.

In Canada, if you are a hockey player and another player casually knocks your front teeth out with a stick, you are expected to (a) spit on the ice and (b) get back up and "skate it off."

3) TOO MANY RIOTS -- As a general rule of thumb, soccer riots in Europe are pretty common, which is why we have the old saying: "As common as a soccer riot in Europe." I have been told that, in some European nations, fans will riot because the snack bar has run out of salted pretzels.

In this country, with the exception of Montreal during the Stanley Cup playoffs, riots are unusual. This is partly because Canadians are a law-abiding, peace-loving people, but also because most riots are held outdoors and it is difficult to stampede when you are wearing a snowmobile suit and a Canadian Tire tuque.

4) CONFUSING RULES -- I understand the rules of soccer as much as any other parent in this country, which is to say not at all. If you go to a kids' soccer game in Canada, you realize no one, including the referee, knows what constitutes offside in soccer, or whether, in fact, they HAVE offside in soccer.

What you'll hear is parents yakking on their cellphones and exchanging soccer-related remarks such as:

Parent No. 1: "Why did the referee blow his whistle?"

Parent No. 2: "Are our kids the ones in red or the ones in blue?"

Parent No. 3: "Is anyone going to Starbucks?"

5) NO ONE SCORES -- Soccer is a lot like going to a cheesy disco. You sweat a lot and no one ever scores. So it's tough to get worked up about a sport where you can start watching, get off the couch, drive to the library, return an overdue book, drive home, get back on the couch AND THE GAME IS STILL SCORELESS.

The thing is, I like soccer. And my kids LOVE it. The fate of Canadian soccer rests in their hands, which if I understand the rules, they are not allowed to use.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 11, 2010 A2