Budgie smuggler takes his lumps

The "budgie smuggler'' is an article of swim wear that has become a national institution, even if such a grand title betrays the diminutive size of the budgie, which barely manages to maintain its tenuous grasp on the (in relative terms) modest male anatomy.

Budgie smugglers are probably known in the more sophisticated world of Canadian swim wear as simply "bikini briefs.''

But in Australia, where an adolescent, sniggering humour is not so much a sign of immaturity as it is a sign of a blue-blood patriot, "budgie smuggler'' has become the joke that keeps on giving.

The tight-fitting swimwear allows for a lump in the front which, according to the wit who devised the phrase, resembles a lame attempt by a hapless man to discreetly smuggle a budgerigar. (Where the smuggler intends taking this budgie has never been revealed.)

The term unfailingly ignites gusts of merriment, especially among the female members of the beach-going public who are often seen to involuntarily bring their hands to their mouths, blush prettily, then titter to one another in discreet tones whenever one hovers into view.

One of Australia's most talented newspaper feature writers, Tony Wright of the Melbourne Age, best describes the dreaded, non-verbal female verdict that can meet the man brave enough to venture forth into the surf wearing material that would struggle to make a decent bow tie.

Wright notes there are a long list of unkind gestures awaiting the victim who may genuinely believe himself to rival Michelangelo's David, but the show stopper is the "killer, two-fingers-down-the-throat manoeuvre.''

The budgie should, metaphorically and perhaps even literally, be left behind a discreet veil and not intrude in public discussion, especially one that involves a foreign audience.

But in early December, the leader of Her Majesty's Opposition in Australia, Tony Abbott, was photographed in budgie on a Sydney beach.

The reaction among the body politic cannot be overstated. The not-athletically-inclined Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has, blessedly, made it a formal plank of ruling Labour party policy that he will never, ever, remove his shirt in public.

Yet here was a photograph of the nation's alternative prime minister disporting himself in the manner of an English tabloid Page 3 girl in one of the nation's most highly regarded broadsheets.

The national debate that followed stretched across the entire festive season and revealed budgies are not only the cause of mild hysteria among females, but apparently have a fascination for the nation's political class that has detected a right-wing bias in the beach wear.

The Conservative Opposition leader in the southern state of Victoria, Ted Baillieu, famously wore budgies while a New South Wales Conservative boss was also photographed in the garment.

And it is true the budgie may represent a world view that includes discipline (in order to achieve the body to wear one), order (official lifesavers wear something similar to a budgie) and a less indulgent view of personal expression (simple, primary colours).

The rival to the budgie is the much more capacious board short, which, if we are to pursue the theme, may attract a more lax, creative soul, who perhaps inhaled in the manner that former U.S. president Bill Clinton did not, and seeks a less structured, less confining way of enjoying his leisure hours .

Board short wearers can also use the comparatively vast expanses of material at their disposal to express their individuality (flower patterns, anchors, sea horses etc).

For Abbott, who only recently took over the leadership of the Liberal/National party coalition, the budgie shot his profile into the stratosphere, much in the manner of Russia's Vladimir Putin tooling about bare-chested with automatic weapons, or Ronald Reagan cutting brush and riding ponies down home on the ranch.

But strangely enough, by this week Abbott had discarded the budgie, apparently not only at the insistence of his wife, who was alarmed at the wild reaction her near naked husband had sparked in the populace.

Public relations experts believe the budgie might be a "turn-off" for female voters, while voter reaction was not all that heartening:

"Creeped out,'' was the verdict on one blog.

A few days ago, while at the University of Queensland in Brisbane supporting an initiative to teach young children water safety, Abbott took to the pool in a borrowed sun shirt and a pair of rather lefty-looking board shorts.

Questioned by a curious media about the absence of his budgie smuggler, Abbott indicated the smuggler may only have gone into temporary retirement.

"Don't tempt me,'' he warned.

Michael Madigan, Winnipeg Free Press Australia correspondent, is the Gold Coast bureau chief for the Brisbane-based Courier Mail.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 29, 2010 A12