Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Daughter feeling stung by mom's sex scrutiny

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Last night my mother went over to a friend's house for dinner and drank a little too much wine. Being the good daughter I am, I went and picked her up. We went and got ice cream with my 13-year-old brother. After a weekend at the lake and a long day, I said I was tired and couldn't wait to get home. My mom looked over at me and said, "You shouldn't be tired from a weekend at the lake, you should be tired from doing things with your boyfriend." Then wiggled her eyebrows. I knew she meant sex, and she even went on to say that I don't have enough of it.

I'm only 20 and so is my boyfriend, and although we've been dating for almost three years, sex really isn't a priority. We both live with our parents. He's allergic to cats, so he can't come to my house, and his family is always home. We sometimes get the cabin to ourselves for a weekend, or the house because his parents leave town, but it's always "do it when we have the time."

I guess I'm a little stung by my mom's words. She thinks we should be having sex two to three times a week, when in reality it's a couple of times a month. I work full time and he's a full-time student, even taking a class this summer. I'm not sure if I should have told her off or should be looking for new places to shack up (the thought is tantalizing). -- Torn Daughter, St Vital

Dear Torn: This is absolutely not your mother's business. If your sex life is working for you and your young man, then there's no need to change anything. What is not working is your mother getting drunk, getting a safe ride home with you at the wheel and mouthing off about your sex life, especially with your little brother in the car.

Start your lecture to her with, "When you were drunk last weekend, and I gave you a ride home, are you aware of how rude and inappropriate you were? My sex life is my business, not yours, and my brother should not be hearing this sort of thing." If she doesn't like the lecture, too bad. Give her a second one, and maybe look for ways to move out this summer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My kids and I were reading your column and thought Not Stepfather Material should move on and leave the lady and her children if he speaks about them in that manner for all to read. He also seems to lack respect for his fiancée. Those kids are part of her and always will be. He should consider it's not easy for children in joint custody to make these adjustments every week. They will act out. It's also hard when their mother has a new man living with her.

He should move on and let this family readjust. He does not mention the children's ages, but the remark about the oldest looking like his father is a definite warning that he does not belong there. He sounds like a selfish person, and I only hope that the mother of these children sees this, and soon. -- Children Are Always First, Manitoba

Dear Children First: You nailed it. He's become the third "child" and he wants the mother to himself. One can only guess what kind of language, and what abusive actions, he uses to show his hatred for those kids. She should act fast.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This unwilling stepfather needs to split with his fiancée ASAP. It's never going to work. You can tell already by the statement: "I know I have a good thing here and she takes care of everything." How long before that's not enough for him?

If he thinks for a second the kids don't know how he feels about them, he's a real idiot. The kids feel his dislike and act out more because of it -- the rudeness and temper tantrums are only to get his goat and get their mother's attention. If he doesn't want to be a stepfather, then bail. Down the road, this will cause problems with the parent and child and possible irreversible damage. Being with someone who has kids means accepting it all or walking away. -- Experienced a Wicked Stepmother, Winnipeg

Dear Experienced: He says he definitely isn't going to bail because he likes what she provides, so it's totally her responsibility to punt him and save her kids.

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 29, 2014 A15

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