Dora's getting a makeover, so why not Aunt Jemima?

If you have not already heard, the animated tyke who shares educational adventures with a talking monkey named Boots on her wildly popular Nickelodeon cartoon show is -- get ready to be alarmed -- growing up.

As a crusading journalist, I became personally alarmed the other day when Nickelodeon and toy maker Mattel announced a new line of "Tweenager" Dora dolls in which the spunky tomboy beloved by millions of preschoolers around the world will undergo an Extreme Makeover.

In a sincere and humanitarian effort to sell dolls to kids over the age of five, "Tween Dora" will swap her trademark bowl-cut hairdo, backpack, purple T-shirt and red shorts for long flowing hair, a tunic and leggings, some funky jewelry and a whole bunch of cool new friends.

Some parents reacted as though Mattel had decided to put Dora on a street corner in a pair of fishnets and thigh-high boots. My initial reaction was to wring my hands and sweat profusely. I reacted the same way when I heard Charlie Brown had joined a street gang and Snoopy was implicated in that messy subprime mortgage scandal.

But after pondering the matter for several key seconds, I realized it would be wrong to stand between Dora and her new image, just as it would be wrong to stand between Lindsay Lohan and a bartender on three-for-one martini night. Looking deep in my heart, I realized Dora isn't the only cultural icon in desperate need of a makeover.

And I realized that, given the current recession, this isn't a time for complacency. No, this is a time for action. This is a time to make unsolicited long-distance calls to major corporations and offer them helpful tips on ways to make their iconic characters just a little bit sexier.

I began with the folks at Quaker Oats, makers of the legendary Aunt Jemima line of pancake syrups and mixes. I spoke with a cheerful customer-service representative named Maggie.

Me: "Hello, Maggie, I have had some very important ideas regarding Aunt Jemima."

Maggie: "Oh."

Me: "Before I go on, I should mention that I grew up with Aunt Jemima."

Maggie: "You did?"

Me: "Yes! Well, not literally, but I have been putting Aunt Jemima syrup on my pancakes since I was a kid."

Maggie: "That's nice."

Me: "It has come to my attention that Aunt Jemima has not had her image updated since 1989, when they took away her headband and gave her pearl earrings and a lace collar."

Maggie: "I can check that ..."

Me: "That's OK. Here's my big idea: We put Beyoncé on the bottle!"

Maggie: "The singer Beyoncé?"

Me: "Yes! It would open up an entirely new market. You'd sell millions of bottles of syrup to hungry single guys."

Maggie: "That's an interesting idea. Hmmm. I don't know. I'd have to think about it."

Me: "Of course, you would probably need a different shaped bottle. It would be wider at the bottom."

Maggie: "Right. Well, we'll have to see about that. Are you a big fan of Beyoncé?"

Me: "Absolutely. How about you?"

Maggie: "Sometimes."

Me: "See what I mean. Maggie, could you bounce my idea off the people in marketing?"

Maggie: "I will definitely submit it. Thank you so much for thinking about us. We really appreciate your call."

Me: "You're welcome. Will someone be getting back to me?"

Maggie: "Highly unlikely."

So I think that first call went pretty well. It inspired me to contact the folks at Mattel, where they not only have Dora's image to worry about, but Barbie's, too.

I spoke with an extremely helpful woman named Susan in their Consumer Relations Answer Centre.

Me: "Hello, Susan, I understand that Barbie is celebrating her 50th birthday this year?"

Susan: "Yes she is."

Me: "Great! Well, in the last 50 years, we have had everything from Astronaut Barbie to Presidential Candidate Barbie."

Susan: "Uh huh?"

Me: "So I think the time is ripe for a few more Barbies."

Susan: "We're not allowed to take ideas from consumers."

Me: "I understand, but let me just bounce this off you: Now that she's hit middle age, the world is ready for Cougar Barbie!"

Susan: "Ha ha ha. Like that new TV show? Hmmm. I don't know. I don't know."

Me: "It's a natural. Cougar Barbie could date a whole new line of younger guy dolls."

Susan: "She could go out with Ken's younger brother."

Me: "Exactly! And if you think about it, Barbie was a teenager when she came out in 1959, so she's actually in her mid-60s now, which means... Senior Citizen Barbie!"

Susan: "Ha ha ha. We should get her an application for AARP (American Association for Retired Persons). She'd get discounts on food, clothing and movie tickets."

Me: "Yes, she'd need a lot of accessories. Also, that would lead to Botox Barbie."

Susan: "???"

Me: "What do you think, Susan? Will marketing go for my ideas?"

Susan: "You're welcome to send us a letter. We like to hear from consumers."

Me: "Really? Do you think I should?"

Susan: "Sure! Go for it!''

So that's exactly what I'm going to do, which means Dora the Explorer is on her own for the time being.

But that's OK. It's Charlie Brown and Snoopy I'm really worried about.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 19, 2009 A2