DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My daughter moved in with me a few years ago, when she was in her early 20s, and then left town after about six months. During her stay I became quite fond of one of her very attractive female friends. That friend also left town to get married. Recently she moved back and asked if she could stay in my daughter's old bedroom. I made the mistake of saying yes and gave her a "family rate" -- basically half price. I also asked her to keep it quiet.
One night over a few drinks she got emotional, talking about her failed marriage, and we ended up sharing my bed. Now we both enjoy a casual relationship, but I think I want out. She's not the person I thought she was. She is very narcissistic, frequently makes nasty comments about people and dates other men who are typically older with a lot of money. They buy her expensive gifts and meals and let her use their high-end vehicles.
The fringe benefits are great, but I can't convince myself I like this young woman who is less than half my age. How do I get rid of the beautiful gold digger gently so it does not get back to my family? -- Sunk, Winnipeg
Dear Sunk: You asked this young woman to "keep it quiet" because you knew your daughter wouldn't believe this to be an innocent setup, and it wasn't. The person to feel sorry for here is your daughter. Was this fatherly behaviour? Hardly. You had the hots for your daughter's friend before she left. Then you let her come back, and secretly stay under your single man's roof for half price, knowing the sexual attraction you felt towards her might lead to something. Luckily, she turned out to be as self-centred as you are.
So, let's focus on your daughter. You'll need to slide this woman out the door while stroking her ego. Humble yourself and tell this young woman you can't keep up with her sexually at your age, and the living situation doesn't work any more. Rather than throwing her out in the street, help her get started in a new place with a deposit and first month's rent. Then stop seeing her altogether, because the only activity you two have in common is sex.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lived in bear country for 30 years by myself. I'm 75 years old. Here are some tips for the lady who lives at the cabin (and is terrified of the bears). 1) Put bear spray, vinegar and moth crystals on trash. 2) Go to the dog groomers, get hair, put in the feet of pantyhose and hang on a few trees. 3) Get a dog, as bears don't like dogs. 4) Take dogs on walks to mark the trails (with urine and feces). It may be that smell will be enough. 5) Get a motion sensor light, so it comes on if a bear comes at night. 6) Wash all cans -- beer, coke and food. 7) Baby diapers should be burned, dirty diapers are a great draw as they are mostly milk. 8) To clean fireplace or stone use moth crystals, but not too much. 9) Don't leave food on a table; put everything in the fridge. -- 30 Years Experience, Ste. Anne
Dear Experience: Thanks for the best tips yet. This may allow the young woman to feel comfortable being back in her cabin again.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: For the lady with the lopsided breasts who signs herself Tired of Gawkers, there is help. I'm aware you can't advertise but there's a certified prosthetist and a clinical anaplastologist here in Winnipeg who provides high quality external breast prostheses, swim prostheses, custom bras and fashion tips for women with these problems. She can just look up "ultralight breast prosthesis" online. Keep up the great work, Miss L. -- Been There, Winnipeg
Dear Been There: No need to tiptoe around. One store of this type is Bressante at 2536 Main St., which provides beautiful products customized to fit with each woman's underlying shape and size.
Please send your questions or comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, R2X 3B6.