Face facts: you don't love either one

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm in love with two men. While your readers may think this is a luxury situation, it is a terrible limbo -- somewhere between heaven and hell. One man I love for his body and the total chemistry we have, and the other guy I love for his friendship and intellectual capacity. I work at a hospital and the guy I am crazy for sexually works in a support-type position. The other man is a doctor I work with. The doctor and I are totally compatible in intellectual ways, but the chemistry is not there for me. Oh, I know he feels it for me, and we did have a few kisses at a Christmas get-together in the bathroom last year, but they left me cold. Size-wise we are not a match either. I am a big girl and the doctor is of slight build. This other guy -- the support worker guy -- is (big), and I feel so protected and excited when he walks into the room. Actually, he doesn't walk, he kind of swaggers. The man is exciting just to look at, and it's me he wants. We have had some liaisons outside the hospital and it is magic. On Halloween he gave me the key and I can go any time I want to his place, and jump into bed with him. Carte blanche! I am ashamed to say I have hopped over there way too often. But then, there's nothing to talk about together. He just likes sports and TV. I just leave. -- Caught in a Trap, West End

Dear Caught: Quit throwing around the "love" word, for starters. You don't love either of these men. Neither one is dating you as a one-and-only and neither one is the answer. It's time you started putting your energies into looking for Door. No 3. Dividing your intellectual and passionate interests between these two is getting you nowhere if love is what you're looking for. But if you do get enough action and stimulating conversation you aren't really hungry enough to go out looking. Just like you don't feel like buying much wine when you go grocery-shopping after a big meal, you are a lackadaisical shopper in the man department. A little starvation would be useful as motivation. Your sex buddy is smart in giving you the key for exactly that reason. He knows you're busy with work and too satisfied by him to go out on the hunt. Even if you can't swear off him totally, cut back on seeing him and make a concerted effort to open your eyes to other possibilities. Meanwhile, totally back off flirting with the small doc who is never going to be your love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was out Christmas shopping last night. When a man tapped me on the shoulder as I was unloading my parcels into the car, I jumped three feet in the air thinking it was a mugger. Hardly! It was a man I had known from another life when I was married and so was he. It turns out neither of us is married anymore -- both divorced -- and he invited me to go to Joey's with him for a drink. So off we went. We had a great time catching up, but then he mentioned he had developed an interest in something beyond the usual, sexually -- a fetish of some sort. He didn't say what it was, but his secrecy creeped me out. He's been phoning me since and I don't pick up. I gave him my number out of politeness, and he wants to call and tell me what it is. Should I see him? I haven't had a boyfriend since my divorce. -- Nervous But Lonely, St. James

Dear Nervous: Loneliness is a bad reason to see someone who gives you the creeps. Tell him you're upset by his wanting to tell you something weird, and not to call again. If it couldn't be mentioned face-to-face you don't want to hear it over the phone. Bravely strike him off your list of one, and let him go. He can find another person who's interested in his fetish online, with very little trouble.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition December 11, 2012 D4