DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My young husband has a Halloween sex fantasy he wants. First, he's making out with me in the bedroom in a witch's costume with a mask, then at the optimum point, the witch disappears into the hallway and comes back as a human (me again) now dressed in a sheer black negligee, red lipstick and long red nails. Yech! That's a lot of work for me. I don't want to do it, but I have an idea. What if I really scared the heck out of him as the witch and it was so scary he couldn't physically continue with the second half of the fantasy? What do you think? -- Deflater, Wolseley
Dear Deflater: You have every right to say no, and the sooner the better if you're going to do that. But consider this: It may be better to do the fantasy over-dramatically than to utterly refuse and have his yearning for it continue. Many a couple has tried out a fantasy that's bombed, and then it's out of the fantasy lineup for good, just like that. So why not shriek your head off and give him such a loud, cackling witch act he won't be physically ready or interested in the switcheroo ending? As a half-decent (OK, completely fake) sport, you might then pull out a different fantasy you like yourself and dazzle him with it. Why bother? It's not good for a couple to end a much-anticipated night of sexual experimentation on a sour note.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Regarding the Romeo Ring -- I think this woman (who doesn't want the first fiancée's returned engagement ring) is a total flake. She is doing the guy a favour by breaking up with him. Think about it: She "fell for him big time" and he wants to marry her. He was engaged eight years ago to the first one. The new fiancée didn't even give him a chance to explain or recant. Marriages have been proposed with a pull tab from a beer can! It's a symbol. Tell Shocked she doesn't deserve to get married because she is more shallow than this Romeo. -- Shaking My Head, Winnipeg
Dear Shaking: This ring was a big one and the right girl would have appreciated the beauty of its giant size. End of story. Unfortunately for Love No. 2, she wanted a sentimental ring, straight to her, first time out of the box.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm fed up with my boyfriend because he only wants sex when he's good and ready for it, which is usually when he's been drinking on Saturday night. He thinks sex is dirty! His parents taught him that. I come from a liberal family where sex is considered healthy. I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about this and he says I'm taking all the fun out of it by making it a health thing. Should I stay or go? -- Frustrated Liberal, Winnipeg
Dear Frustrated: You're complaining about three red flags: lack of frequency, drinking to have sex and needing a dirty feeling to get into it. Three strikes, he's out. You need to find a guy whose mindset is healthier. Most guys don't have these issues. They don't need sex to feel dirty in order to get turned on. Some of them can be turned on by seeing a lovely pair of grapefruits in the produce aisle. So find yourself a guy without hang-ups -- one who shares your happy, healthy attitude -- then you can relax and enjoy a love life with him.
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