DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I took a gorgeous man home with me from the bar and we had four hours of amazing sex. At 7 a.m., he gave me a big kiss, thanked me profusely and rushed off to the gym. When I woke up again later, I found $300 in cash on the dresser! At first I laughed it off as a joke, and then I realized a big amount like $300 couldn't be a joke. Did he really think I was a hooker? I decided to wait to see if he'd call again, and we'd both laugh at the joke, but he hasn't called. Now I think he really thought I was a prostitute. I don't know what to do. I have the money sitting there, and don't feel like spending it. It seems like dirty money, and I'd like to return it, but I don't know his full name or where he works. I could go back to the bar and try to run into him. Would I just stuff the money in his hands? Would he believe me anyway? Yes, I took him home from the bar the first night, but that doesn't make me a hooker! But, as long as I have this money, I feel tainted by his thinking so. What should I do? -- Not a Hooker! Osborne Village
Dear Not a Hooker: Go back to the bar on the same night of the week and see if you can run into him. If you do, have the money in an envelope with no note of explanation that he could show to somebody. Hand it back to him, saying with a laugh, "I think you made a big mistake." He'll be happy to get it back; who wouldn't like to suddenly see $300 of their money returned? Then quickly be gone right out of the place. If he tries to ask for a date, say, "No thanks, that ship sailed with your wrong assumption." Now, you need to rethink your dangerous idea of taking home a stranger from the bar for sex. You didn't even know his name or have his phone number. He could have turned out to be a violent weirdo, not just a guy who's used to paying for sex. Let's hope you used protection. If don't see him again in a few weeks, give the money to charity, and you will feel better.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband snores and I can't stand it. He won't go and have it treated at the sleep disorder clinic, so I moved to the guest room and I still couldn't sleep. Sometimes he snorts loudly like a pig and seems to stop breathing. I yell out to wake him, scared he's going to die. Now I am so sleep-deprived, I don't care. Three days ago I asked him to move down to the basement and he shocked me by suggesting we get a separation instead. He said it as cold as you please, and he'd even been to a lawyer. OK, so we haven't had sex in eight months, but that happens to lots of couples. I thought we still loved each other, but he said, "Last time I checked we weren't living like a married couple and I need love and sex. I won't keep paying for a house where I am relegated to the basement like the live-in houseboy." Today a guy showed up to work on the yard -- something my husband used to like to do with me. Help! I LOVE THIS MAN! -- S.O.S., South St. Vital
Dear S.O.S: Lots of sex and industrial-strength earplugs would be the fastest way to halt this move to separation, if he still loves you too. Initiate both actions immediately, and ask your husband to go to couples counselling to help you patch things up further. Your credibility as a loving mate is low after eight months of no sex and a bid to send him to the basement to live. Fight to win him back anyway you can. By the way, NOBODY should go to sleep in the basement (not even you) as it's a slap in the face either way... And, YOU need say nothing more about the sleep apnea. The therapist will ask him about the snoring and find out what he fears about making what seems to be a sensible move. When people resist going to a doctor, it's because they fear something else even more. Your guy will have ignored any of the literature on snoring and sleep apnea, so the relationship counsellor will tell him what he won't listen to from you. Please write back and let me know how it's going.
Questions or comments? Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6