Go home to your husband, leave your ex alone

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm doing something I swore l'd never do -- sleeping with my ex. He calls me the Midnight Special, as I arrive after I get off my midnight shift. He didn't seem to mind until last time. In fact, he loved it. I thought things were going fine until he asked me to stay the night, and I said, "No, you know I have to get back home to my husband." He said -- all choked up -- "Then don't come here anymore." Why the sudden change? I am taken aback. I thought he was enjoying his as much as I was. He left me five years ago because I was "boring," so what does he care? -- Confused Ex, Wpg.

Dear Confused Ex: It's unlikely you're confused, Madam. You know why you came back -- to prove to him you were hot and untouchable emotionally and anything but boring. He was OK playing around before he started developing emotions for you again, and then he started feeling hurt when you pulled the "love him and leave him" stunt once too often. Men have the same vulnerable feelings as women do, only buried beneath defences they learned growing up in this society. If you were single and a formerly boring ex-husband were using you for sex and then going home to his wife -- how would you feel? So get going now! Leave the guy alone and tend to your marriage, which must lacking if you're looking backwards for excitement.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a problem with my circle of friends. I recently casually hung out with my friend's ex-girlfriend. They broke up three months ago. Some days later my friend asks me if I'm dating his ex. I said no, and so did the ex-girlfriend when he asked her. He thinks we hooked up because I do have the appearance of a player amongst my friends. He claims a friend saw me and the ex together on the street. In fact, we only stayed inside, had drinks and spoke of jobs and stuff. I suspect my friend saw our somewhat flirty messages on her social network site inbox sent some days before we hung out, and after their breakup. I tried to smooth things out with him but now he won't hear anything. He told all our circle of friends, and now me and my friend's ex are being shut out of friends' parties and gatherings. What can I do to clear myself and her? -- Not Guilty, Winnipeg

Dear Not Guilty: Denying things isn't working. Instead, talk to your friend and tell him you did flirt a little online but you don't find his ex attractive in a romantic or sexual way; she's a nice girl, but personally, when you met with her face-to-face, it was as a friend because you don't see the attraction he does. He will be both insulted and relieved. Then stop acting the player in your group, as a bad reputation attracts trouble.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a boyfriend who dressed like a vampire for Halloween and never really put away the costume. He really gets off on wearing the outfit when we are in the preliminary stages of making out. At first I wore a Gothic outfit for him, but then I grew tired of it. By the way, I'm 21 and he's 24. Is there's something wrong with him? He wears the costume and talks in some kind of stupid accent, which gets on my nerves, so now I just play the hapless female without the costume. I feel like saying "Grow up!" to him. -- Bored of His Dumb Fantasy, Osborne Village

Dear Bored: When you tire of another person's fantasy/fetish game you have to be honest. Rolling your eyes is not conducive to exciting sex or happy emotions. You could ask him if there's some other fantasy game he'd like to play, and suggest one. Or, you may simply want to confess you like straight sex without the costumes. If that seems boring to him, he'll need to move on. That's probably the best thing for both of you.

Please email problems to lovecoach@hotmail.com or write letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 17, 2012 A15