Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend picked up a fetish by "watching female porn sites," or so she says. Now she wants me to be her man-slave and I am not the type. I'm a red-blooded, hockey-playing Canadian guy and I will not be wearing a collar, kneeling and painting her toenails and calling her mistress any time this century. The problem is I love her to distraction and ordinarily I'd do anything for love, but I'm nobody's slave. -- I Won't Do That, Winnipeg
Dear Won't Do That: You have a right to say no, but then it's a good idea to put another idea on the table. You don't want this to end up being a negative to your sex life together. Present her with a fantasy of yours, other than a threesome with another woman. Maybe she'll like it and run with it. Maybe she just wants to play at something other than the same old, same old. It's a positive thing to do and shows you're trying.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When is the proper time to introduce kids to the new partner in your life? I am the new girlfriend. My man had a long engagement and then left his girlfriend. There was no discussion of the separation with the kids, who are all under the age of 7. He met me six months later and his ex is not handling the situation very well. She refuses to allow the kids contact with their dad for fear of the new girlfriend (me) being introduced to them. The denial of his equal rights to see his children is being ignored and has been pointed out as illegal, but to no avail. The ex has stated that the kids are only allowed to meet a new girlfriend after one year of a relationship.
Going to court seems to be the only option, but we'd rather handle this civilly and without dragging everything through the courts. Money isn't the issue; the fear of long drawn-out court battles is. Can we get her to see reason on her own? Is there a site where we all can read and learn about the best way to handle a separation and a new relationship for the sake of the children? I think we just need to be educated in this area to make it better. My heart aches for kids I've never even met yet. -- Country Mom With City Dad
Dear Country Mom: You really need to take a closer look at this man and why he's so lax in all ways. He needs to call his lawyer if he's serious about seeing his children. His ex is not a representative of the law. She is disobeying the law because she is jealous of you and is probably still in love with him. You think he doesn't know that? Don't buy into the court-battle situation he has painted. That's not how it works.
Look at this boyfriend more closely. He's doing nothing about his right to see his children regularly. Even the threat of involving the law can bring a vengeful mate to her senses and visitation resumes immediately. If it goes to court, it's not a long battle.
Think about the character of this man you love, who doesn't notify anybody about anything and the women do all the fighting on his behalf. Why is he not the one writing for help and seeing his lawyer? Why did he never speak to his children about the split? Why was he engaged for a long enough time to have more than one child and never marry the woman? Why did he then sneak out without telling his kids? This is not an honest guy.
What you have now is a triangle situation, where this man gets to speak to both of you privately and say whatever he wants, and neither of you two women ever know what it is. She may be playing hardball, trying to get him back into the nest. He may be interested. You don't know -- he's a secretive and passive guy. Now he has two women in a sweat over him. How about calling her yourself to find out what's what?
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