DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is so embarrassing! I came home from work, thinking I'd be alone in the house and stripped off my clothes. I'm a former nudist and love to go butt naked when no one is there. I didn't know my teenage son and his girlfriend were secretly "sleeping" in the basement. I decided it might be fun to do some dancing in the nude, so I cranked up the music and was flying around the living room dancing to a rock song when my son and his girlfriend came up from the basement to see what the heck was going on. Miss, L., I am not a skinny little girl. I'm a full-fledged woman front and back. They caught me naked, in all my glory. My son yelled to his girlfriend "Get Back!" but it was too late. They literally ran out the back door carrying their running shoes into the snow. My son can't even speak to me about this now and I don't know how to bring it up. He just looks at me and shakes his head like I am disgusting and certifiably nuts. Why could this not be a funny thing? He has no sense of humour about it, and his girlfriend has not come back since. How can we get past this? Help! -- Nude Dancing Mother, St. James
Dear Nude Dancing: Talk to him about it, but plan it out. First, it'd be a mistake to act ashamed and apologetic over the nudity and the happy dance. You could start by saying. "Someday, maybe even at my funeral, you are going to tell this story about your crazy joyful mother, who thought she was alone dancing naked in the living room -- and how you and your teenage girlfriend ran out the back door in horror." Add something like, "Right now you are upset, but try to get over that, dear. I diapered and bathed you for several years and it hasn't harmed my psyche a bit. If you feel you need counselling for this, we can spring for it. Otherwise, you need to lighten up about nudism, which used to be part of your dad's and my lifestyle before you were born."
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband just went on a business trip to Toronto with a little side trip south to Mexico. Yep, he's picking up his online sweetie in the Toronto airport and the two of them are flying down to Mexico together for a week of hot sex together before Christmas. Isn't that sweet? Isn't it just so romantic? Meanwhile the kids and I will be busy, too. They are 21 and 22 with strong backs and are in on what's happening, and finally told me. They are extremely angry. They knew about the affair a long time before I did, and it killed them to hold the secret from me. So, it's out and we are moving him out. He will be living in his office on the sofa. The door to this house will have changed locks. The house is in my name. He will try to beg his way back but it ain't happenin'. I can take him for so much more, he dare not squeak about this. I just want the men out there to know that at some point, enough is enough. -- He's Getting What he Deserves
Dear Getting: This should be a reality series worth watching. But, your husband is going to come down hard on the boys for ratting him out. Wouldn't it be better to phone the hotel and say hello to the two of them, and spoil the holiday for them? Then work out the household arrangement when he gets home. You will have advantage of seeing your domestic lawyer first -- not the regular one he shares with you on other matters. You will get a much better settlement if you don't humiliate your husband at his business, and the better deal you get, the better you will feel.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love a real Christmas tree and my husband is "practical" and wants a fake one he can pop up and down from the basement already decorated for the Christmas season. That's how he always did it when he was single and he even has a name for his pathetic Christmas tree -- Charlie, after Charlie Brown. He loves that old thing. We are married now and he was about to put Charlie in the place where I want to put up my real, fragrant fir tree on Christmas Eve. We got into a fight and I told him he could shove his Charlie where the sun don't shine. I know this sounds like a silly newlywed fight to you and other people, but we are both upset and it seems this has grown into a giant problem. Please help! -- Newlyweds Gone Sour, Osborne Village
Dear Sour: There are four corners to a room. Charlie can hold down one corner of the living room, going up a week or two early, and then be joined by the big fir tree on Christmas Eve to fill another corner. Just because most people only have one Christmas tree doesn't mean that you two can't enjoy both. Sentimentality is a part of Christmas and people are very emotional about their rituals. Adopt the attitude of both rather than either/or on as many newlywed fights as you can this next year or two until you settle in. Show respect for your partner's old life and old possessions that are part of his identity, and whatever you do, don't throw Charlie out!
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