Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/11/2012 (1247 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
I know it's time to begin my holiday shopping because there's something magical in the air.
It's the festive aroma of freshly cooked bacon.
Speaking of which, if you are looking for the perfect pork-related gift for a guy of my particular gender, I have a suggestion that will have him salivating with gratitude.
I became aware of this particular gift idea Thursday when I received yet another news release from Justin Esch and David Lefkow, the geniuses behind Seattle-based J&D Foods, a company dedicated to "making everything taste like bacon."
In a bid to win a major journalism prize, I have written several hard-hitting columns about these "bacontrepreneurs," whose inventions include Bacon Salt, Bacon Lip Balm, Bacon Gravy and Bacon Popcorn and -- prepare to be aroused -- Baconlube, the world's first bacon-flavoured massage oil and personal lubricant.
I assumed they reached the pinnacle of bacon-y goodness earlier this year when they "put fun back in funerals" by unveiling the "bacon coffin," a 220-pound, 18-gauge steel casket painted to resemble a sizzling strip of your favourite breakfast food.
But I realize now I was a fool, because just in time for Christmas, Justin and David are launching a product that guarantees your guy will be "loved, admired and possibly eaten by bears." What we are talking about is the world's first bacon-scented shaving cream, which, according to the news release, "is the highest quality meat-scented shaving cream on the market today.
"Our advanced heat-activated aromatic technology lasts four hours and delivers maximum bacon scent when you need it most."
The best news is they have whipped up 2,500 jars of this "pork-scented lather of the gods" and it just became available online at www.baconshavingcream.com for $14.99.
Wondering why anyone would want to smell like bacon? Ask yourself this: Why wouldn't you want to smell like bacon?
You are also probably thinking this is the dumbest product ever, but that is only because I haven't told you about Gift Idea No. 2 -- a bra you wear on your face to "shrink double chins, lift brows, and smooth away the appearance of wrinkles."
"Forget cosmetic surgery, wrap an elastic fabric bra on your face," urges a news release promoting The Face Wrap home kit, which apparently is a special bra, held in place with Velcro strips, that "lifts mugs" as opposed to lifting a similar word that we normally don't mention in family newspapers.
It claims to lift, firm and tighten your facial features, all of which is a wonderful idea, but we suspect anyone who wears this contraption is going to end up feeling like a real boob.
Which somehow brings us to Gift Idea No. 3, which you will assume I am making up but is an actual product I saw advertised while lying on the couch eating taco chips and watching late-night TV. The product I am referring to here is "Pajama Jeans," which the commercial describes as an amazing scientific blend of regular pyjama bottoms and sexy designer denim jeans.
In a testimonial that brought tears to my eyes, a woman in the ad explains that super-stretchy Pajama Jeans are great for hiking, roller-blading and rock climbing. They are also perfect for anyone who has dreamed of wearing designer jeans to bed or who has lost sleep because they think their regular pyjama bottoms (we spell pyjama differently when not referring to the brand name because of a little thing we like to call CP Style) aren't stylish enough for shopping at the mall.
Heck, why not buy some for the kids this year? They'd look nice with those wearable fleece blankets you gave them last year.
Speaking of the kids, let's rock on to Gift Idea No. 4 -- the Tooth Tunes toothbrush which, according to what I have read online and seen on TV, pumps pop music directly into your child's head via their teeth. The scientific concept is that when the bristles are brushed across the teeth, they send sound waves in the form of a two-minute song clip straight into your kid's cranium.
You know this has to be real because the TV ad features a cartoon showing actual musical notes bouncing around inside a child's brain, which is otherwise empty. Is that a great gift, or what? (Here's a hint: NO!) You may be able to prevent tooth decay, but you'll also speed up the decay of western civilization.
I mean, if we are going to have toothbrushes pump stuff directly into our kids' brains, why would we want that stuff to be pop music? Why wouldn't we want it to be, say, long division or computer programming?
Regardless, I hope these ideas help kick-start your holiday shopping this season, because there's magic in the air and, if you're lucky, it will lead you to a nice BLT.