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Husband creeped out by wife's porn proclivities

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My younger wife is always watching porn. She has a computer in her sewing room and pretends she's making curtains and stuff for our new house. She's actually watching some heavy porn. I have peeked to see what she considers hot, and I don't mind admitting it scares me. I don't want to be her slave boy and wear an iron collar or get ridden like a pony or get piercings and nasty tattoos all over my body. I figure if I keep quiet, she might never ask, but it's really starting to creep me out. -- Scared by Her Porn, St. Boniface

Dear Scared: Some people like to watch. Others want to enact, and that's what's making you nervous. Instead of sneaking around and getting panicky, talk to her. Tell her outright you know what she's doing when she pretends to be sewing and you've seen her porn.

Ask her the big questions: Do you want me to do that with you in real life? Are you experienced previously, and yearn for it? Do you want to be the dominant or submissive person in power play? Will you leave me if I can't accommodate your desires? After that conversation you may be relieved or start think you should move on. P.S. She may lie her face off to keep the relationship going. Then, at least you're safe.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My three husbands all drank like fish, which covered up for the fact I liked to drink every day myself. I didn't drink as much as they did -- about half a bottle of red wine a day -- lunch and/or dinner, but nobody really noticed. Inevitably the relationship would fall apart because I would get fed up with the man and have an excellent excuse to get rid of him.

I finally had some psychotherapy and realized this suited me just fine, as I tired of any man after a time, and needed an exit that makes me look like the good guy. I also enjoy my wine and don't want to give it up. I can't have kids so it doesn't affect vulnerable people.

Now this great new guy has come along and he doesn't drink at all. I really like and respect him and he's extremely attractive. So far he hasn't noticed I drink, because all we do is go out for dinners where I have a little wine after pre-drinking while I get ready. I have never felt this way about any man before. What should I do? -- Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire, River Heights

Dear Pants on Fire: The therapy gave you clarity, so this time you picked a guy who was your equal and might last. But you still managed to find a guy with an extreme relationship to alcohol. It's important to find out why this man doesn't drink a drop: Religious belief? Indigestion? He's alcoholic and gave up booze? Bad experiences with family alcoholics? Or is he just a health-loving guy who prefers other drinks?

You have a confession to make because you're holding back a secret. Tell him frankly, "I drink every day and this is how much..." The time to unload is now, before either of you falls in love. If he's disapproving you may choose your wine-loving style over him and keep it at "friends only" -- or maybe you'll finally want to kick the habit.

 

Dear Miss Loneyhearts: My girlfriend only wears the colour black. She thinks it makes her look sexy and slimmer, but she looks like she's going to a succession of funerals. To brighten her up, I bought her some clothes for her birthday, in different colours. She thanked me politely, and has never worn them. Doesn't she owe me at least one wearing of each of the three items? I feel like asking her if she still has the bags, so I can take them back. -- Hurt Lover, Winnipeg

Dear Hurt: You bought your lover a self-serving gift -- a replacement for her black wardrobe that bothers you. You know she loves black so no doubt she knows this gift is an "improvement" gift -- like a gym membership for a fat friend.

Apologize and suggest she return the clothes she will never wear for a refund for other items she actually likes. You know, there's an upside to accepting this. It gives you perfect freedom to dress any way you like -- or concentrate more on your wife's wardrobe. By using the word "lover" you imply you may also have a wife.

 

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition August 6, 2014 C9

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