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If he loves you, fiancé needs to cut ties with ex

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been engaged for one year. My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is bugging us, writing emails, calling him, telling him she still loves him and that she's still hurting. She's trying to break us up and get him back. My boyfriend wrote her many emails telling her not to write or call, that's he's engaged, but she still does. My boyfriend has a company computer and can't block her, and a company phone, so he can't change his number since he does most of his business over the phone. Now she has started sending him letters by regular mail. She finds way to get attention, like telling him she's sick. She can't accept that he broke up with her and he and I are fighting over this. I can't stand this any more -- she's trying to ruin our relationship. It makes me sick every time the phone rings because I think it's her. What can I or we do to stop her? Any advice? -- Upset About Jealous Ex

Dear Upset: Something's off. You've been engaged a whole year, your boyfriend is still in communication with his ex and you two have not gotten married. He says it's all her fault. Nonsense! By this time he could have charged her with harassment and gotten a court order to keep her away. And he could have married you. He knows where she lives; he could have returned her letters unopened. He could have gotten in touch with her parents to let them know what she's doing and the trouble she will be in with the law and gone to a lawyer to send her a stiffly-worded letter to warn her she will be charged if she doesn't cease and desist. He could have gotten a landline for his house.

Frankly, he could have stopped engaging with her in all ways, but he hasn't. Either he's too weak to stand up for himself and you -- and therefore a poor husband and future father in your life -- or he's thinking he might take her back after she's been punished enough and you have walked away in disgust.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: As a man, I know sex is more important to me than it is to my wife, so I thought it was OK that we're down to once a month. That's the way it is with most married guys after five years, except they have kids. I have just found out I'm the only married guy getting it once a month -- even the daddies get it more -- and I might be the only one in this marriage having sex once a month.

My wife has boyfriends she met on the computer and she sees them in person. I can't swear to what goes on when they get together, but she's seeing guys "for drinks," or whatever, a couple of times a week -- once on Wednesdays when I'm at a regular meeting and once on the weekend in the afternoons.

How do I know this? I snooped on her computer then skipped my Wednesday meeting and attended the bar where she was meeting a guy. She was wearing a short black dress and high heels, the whole bit. I went right over and sat with the two of them. She didn't know what to say. So I said, "Why don't you introduce me?" She got up and ran. I sat there with him. "Did you know she was married to me?" I asked. He said, "Sorry, man. She came on to me online. She said she was divorced." I said: "She soon will be. Check back in a few months!"

Then I went straight over to see a woman I know who has given me an open invitation and I stayed all night. My wife says she's sorry and that she never did "it" with these guys. Should I believe her? We we have no kids (her choice) and I want out. -- On The Brink, Winnipeg

Dear Brink: Your wife said she didn't inhale, but she's still out there smokin'.

You have no children and you want some. You and your wife seem more like roommates -- with occasional privileges. You only live once and you're not living. Every marriage, as it turns out these days, is not sacred. Now that you have had your revenge sex, what's left, if anything? Where did everything go wrong? What do you want to fill the rest of your life? It's time for counselling to dig deep and patch things up, or go your separate ways. Here's an interesting thought: if you walk, this means you may get to have kids after all, with someone else.

 

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 25, 2014 C4

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