Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/6/2013 (1045 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
I can already taste that $10,000.
I'm referring to the $10,000 I'm going to win in Tim Hortons first-ever Duelling Donuts Contest, in which the iconic chain is challenging pastry-loving Canadians such as you and I to design a new doughnut.
Challenge accepted, Tim Hortons. As regular readers will remember, assuming they are still taking their prescription medication, I have an abiding passion for all things doughnut (as opposed to donut).
Despite its humble status in the pantheon of the world's great pastries, the doughnut is quintessentially Canadian, the closest we come in the True North to having a national dish. Forgive me for waxing poetic, but it is a beacon of deep-fried deliciousness, the If-You-Bake-It-We-Will-Come Dessert of our Dreams.
Like most real Canadians, I dream of doughnuts, even though I am currently not allowed to eat them due to the fact that my doctor hates me.
From what I partially understood after reading a chatty PR pitch from Tim Hortons, Canadians have until July 21, 2013, to visit www.duellingdonuts.ca or TimHortons.com/DuellingDonuts to create their own personal pastry using the chain's "online donut configurator."
Eight finalists will be selected by a panel headed by semi-legendary Canadian actor Jason Priestley, who recently had a cameo on the sitcom How I Met Your Mother in which he bragged about creating a doughnut dubbed the Priestley, which Tim Hortons later made by stuffing a Timbit inside a strawberry-vanilla doughnut.
You, the doughnut-loving public, pick the grand prize winner via online voting from Aug. 5 to Aug. 18.
Here's an inspiring semi-literate quote from Priestley from the PR pitch: "It's no secret I love Tim Hortons, and I can't wait to help choose the finalists for the first-ever Tim Hortons donut as voted for by Canadians themselves."
Some of the entries I have seen online so far include the Chocobanana Gone Wild, Bernie's Delight and the Joy Explosion. But the best is yet to come.
Just to give you would-be doughnut designers an idea of what you are up against, here are a few of the proudly Canadian ideas I will be submitting to my new best friend, Jason:
1) The Toronto Maple Leafs Doughnut -- During the NHL playoffs, it's only available on golf courses.
2) The Vancouver Canucks Doughnut -- Most Canadians find it freakishly unappetizing, but it's a huge hit in Sweden. May cause choking.
3) The Winnipeg Jets Doughnut -- What does it taste like? It doesn't matter! Winnipeggers will eat them by the dozens because it has a Jets logo drawn with icing. It's called the "Big Buff" because it makes it hard for you to skate without getting winded. Eat one and you won't speak to the media for at least two hours.
4) The Mike Duffy Doughnut -- The bad news? It makes you forget where you live and it costs $93,000. The good news? Someone in the PMO's office will buy it for you.
5) The Justin Trudeau Doughnut -- It looks, like, totally awesome, but no one can figure out if there's anything inside.
6) The Stephen Harper Doughnut -- It has a hole right in the middle right where its you-know-what should be. It terrifies children and senior citizens. Not sold in Quebec.
7) The Thomas Mulcair Doughnut -- Kind of chunky, but it just makes you hungry for the Jack Layton doughnut.
8) The Justin Bieber Doughnut -- The kids go crazy for them, but they make adults sick to their stomachs.
9) The Saskatchewan Roughrider Doughnut -- When you buy a dozen, they give you 13.
10) The Winnipeg Blue Bomber Doughnut ... Once it becomes popular, they trade it to another Tim Hortons. It always tastes a lot better next year.
11) The Green Party Doughnut -- Supposed to be better for you, but no one's ever tried it.
12) The National Unity Doughnut -- It sounds delicious, but no one knows the recipe.
13) The William Shatner Doughnut -- Very popular, although no one really knows why. Don't eat too many. Or. You. May. Have. To. Call. 911! Beam one up now.
14) The C©line Dion Doughnut -- Unbearably sugary. Believes itself to be the greatest doughnut in the world, although if you eat too many your heart won't go on.
15) The Ultimate Canadian Doughnut -- Comes in a two-four and it's made with beer, bacon and maple syrup. It actually is the greatest doughnut in the world, but it doesn't like to brag.
16) The Doug Speirs Doughnut -- I don't care if anyone gets to eat it, just so long as I'm the one rolling in dough.