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It might be handy if you got very specific

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I have similar sex drives -- no problem, right? Wrong! If we don't see each other for a day or so, I try to wait it out and spend all that sexual energy on him and get (what I feel is) a huge, glorious release. Sometimes this works out for me. But usually this opportunity is taken away, because he spends his sexual tension on "Palmela" (himself) ahead of time. The result is I feel undesirable because he doesn't feel the same urgency for sex as I do, and it shows. When we're doing the deed, it lasts way too long. He doesn't have the need to finish right away, so he plays with my ability to have multiple orgasms. They get exhausting and eventually start to hurt. Frankly, it turns me off to figure that we could have sex, or not, and it would make no difference to him. By the way, he's not a sex addict of any kind; he just doesn't let sexual energy build up, even on the same days we have plans for later. I've tried explaining my feelings -- that I get off on being really needed sexually. He translates that to mean I want him to NEVER have "solo time" ever again. How can I make it clear that my feelings are not because of the act itself but because of the effect on our sexual experiences as a couple? -- Waiting it Out, Winnipeg

Dear Waiting: If you have said this as clearly to him several times, and he still doesn't get it, there are two possibilities 1.) he thinks mutiples trump earth-shattering singles no matter what you say 2.) he doesn't care what you say. If he comes to your bed satiated on the days you have plans to have sex together, it's unfair. But, IN HIS MIND, he is a better lover the other way, giving you multiples that boost his ego sky-high. Plus, he'd love to have them himself -- what guy wouldn't? -- so he may wonder what you're complaining about. You have to get very specfic about the differences between an earth-shaking Single O when you've built up a raging need for sex, and a string of lesser multiples. If he still doesn't care what you have to say, you have a bigger decision to make. That kind of insensitivity spills into other areas as a relationship wears on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been happily married for for 34 years, until a few weeks ago. My sister told me my husband has been innappropiately touching her butt when we are at family gatherings. He does this behaviour when no one else is looking and it is subtle. My sister said that at times she wondered if she were imagining it, and she recalled the first time he did this was 28 years ago! She said she was doing her best to avoid him at family gatherings, and he had stopped for a few years. A few weeks ago, he did the deed twice and the second time was clearly not accidental or in her imagination. At the time, we were NOT having conflict in our relationship. I am thinking of leaving him because I will never be able to trust him again. I feel extremely hurt. I hope you do not blame my sister for not saying something. She finally told him she does not like him touching her and he apologized and said he would not do it again. She is a timid person and I think he targeted her because of her shyness. When I talked to him about the innappropiate touching, he minimized it and lied to me. He said it occured only once by accident when he walked by her. The hard part for me is I love him and would like to forgive him, but then for sure the trust is gone. This betrayal has been going on for a long time. I wonder who else he is copping feels from. Do you think I should leave him? -- Wondering in Winnipeg

Dear Wondering: You can be sure he will not "cop a feel" from your shy sister again. He's been caught and outed and that behaviour is impossible to repeat with a light shining on it. However, it's worrisome that he doesn't own up to this behaviour and feel any real remorse. Note that he picked on the meekest person with the most to lose. Who else is in that position? You might worry about a daughter or a niece, or even someone he has power over at work. Tell him his behaviour has seriously rocked the marriage for you, and absolutely insist on counselling. Point out that pretending it was accidental and only happened once, doesn't help you regain lost trust. If he won't go to counselling, see a psychologist yourself. Then decide what you want to do about the marriage. As trust is a real issue with your husband, and you don't know him as well as you think, also see a domestic lawyer for advice on your own and get your ducks in a row before you say you want to break up. Would I leave a man who had been sexually harrassing my shy sister for 28 years? In a heartbeat.

Please email your problems for Miss Lonelyhearts to or send letters to 1355 Mountain Ave. R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition July 22, 2012 A15

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