DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I feel like knocking down my neighbour's fence. She's such a crazy old cow, she has fenced her place like a prison. God knows what she does with missing cats. Before she got the fence, I caught her luring an animal inside that was in her yard, and I went right after her with a spade. I chased after her and scared her back into the house with a few choice words. The little cat ran away. Once she got hold of my cat and I knocked on her door and went right into the house and grabbed my fat orange and white cat -- wearing her ID collar -- right off the living room sofa where she was eating cat treats and I took her out the door. I shook my fist and gave that crazy woman an ear ringer on the way out. Now I don't know what she's up to. I can't see unless I put a step ladder up to her fence and then I look like the crazy one. I do it anyway. Who knows what's going on? -- Worried Cat Lover, Winnipeg
Dear Cat Lover: If your neighbour sees your head pop over that fence, she'll be calling the cops so fast your cat-lovin' head will spin. It sounds like she thinks any cat that walks on her property is fair game -- perhaps for her own collection of pets. Report your worries to the Winnipeg Humane Society with an address and they can go and check it out. By the way, what evidence do you have that there are other people's cats trapped in the house, besides the day she took yours? Did you see any other animals inside? Have any neighbours reported missing cats? Maybe stealing your cat was part of a personal vendetta against you. It's clear she isn't fond of you; she even invested in a grudge fence. It's possible she may ship cats off to shelters, or worse. But, I wouldn't worry about her killing them. If she's feeding captive kitties treats on her sofa, she certainly doesn't hate them.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When my boyfriend touches me, he does it with so little pressure it feels like a bug walking across my skin and I told him I hated it last weekend. I asked him to "touch me more deeply" but he got all offended and said, "What do you want me to do -- spank you?" Actually, the truth be known, I wouldn't mind trying that. -- Tough Girl, Elmwood
Dear Tough Girl: There's long distance on the continuum between tickling and spanking. How about you show him what you like my giving him a massage, demonstrating exactly what you want? Then you can ask about the different levels of touch he likes. Don't forget to ask about the spanking. He brought it up and threw it out there, which could be interesting for you.
Questions or comments? Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6