Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 9/4/2013 (1115 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
Regardless of what you currently see out your living-room window, it's officially spring, and those of you still taking your prescription medication know what that means.
It means it's time once again for Mr. Doug's Annual Spring Fashion Report, wherein I, a middle-aged columnist whose clothing is made mostly from dryer lint, offers advice on what you, the gullible fashion victim, will be wearing this season.
Before we go any further, Mr. Doug would like to point out he was just joking about his clothing being made from dryer lint -- at least he was until he stumbled on a news story about a trendy U.S. designer named Shelly Simcha who has been making fabric from sheets of lint.
The story states Simcha's "Lint Project" involved collecting dryer lint from various "donors" and stitching them into a large blanket and various articles of clothing. "The project is about throwing away potential," she is quoted as saying. "That is what happens each time we clean the dryer's filter. Each shirt has the potential of creating another shirt without cancelling out its own existence."
I'm not a fluff buff, but I have to say this is excellent news, because most of us currently have enough lint lodged in our belly buttons to make several suits. On the downside, until science can provide us with a solution, anyone stupid enough to wear lint clothing will end up permanently stuck to their living-room carpet due to excessive "static cling."
But that is not today's fashion point. Today's fashion point is it is, in fact, spring, and tasteful readers will be sitting on their couches in their underpants waiting for Mr. Doug to explain what else they are required to wear this season.
Well, the waiting is over, because Mr. Doug wants you to know that this spring, on top of your underpants, you need to wear giant puffy parkas stuffed with down, snowmobile suits and fleece-lined hip waders, because that is the only (bad word) way you will avoid freezing to death this season.
That said, the most critical fashion question at this time of year is: What colour scheme will your cutting-edge wardrobe showcase this spring?
Get ready to explode with excitement, because the geniuses at the Pantone Color Institute have just announced that the Colour of the Year for 2013 is... (insert dramatic pause here)... Emerald green!
Question: Is that exciting fashion news, or what?
Answer: Are you out of your (another bad word) minds? It is terrible news. In fact, it is even worse news than last year when Pantone decreed all of our stylish clothing had to be (why not?) tangerine-coloured, which made everyone look like traffic cones and/or Creamsicles with legs.
Here's a helpful quote from Leatrice Eiseman, executive director of the colour institute: "Symbolically, emerald brings a sense of clarity, renewal and rejuvenation, which is so important in today's complex world."
Rejuvenation? Renewal? Sorry, Leatrice, but it is a known scientific fact no one looks good in green, other than the mayor of Munchkin Land and that obnoxious TV leprechaun who bounces around on a sugar high telling impressionable kids Lucky Charms cereal is "magically delicious."
Question: Why did the fashion industry pick green as this year's hot colour?
Answer: Because the fashion industry hates you!
You know it's true. The only upside to mandatory green clothing is the fact it will make it easier for us to spot Saskatchewan Roughrider fans when they try to sneak over the border into Manitoba.
On the other hand, it will also be extremely confusing for our beloved Blue Bombers to look up in the stands during a home game against the Riders and see local fans decked out in traitorous green. Sure, we'll be the height of banjo-picking fashion, but at what cost, people? At what cost?
The sad truth is, most of us on the Prairies do not even remember what the colour green looks like, do we? I am told -- and this may just be a cruel rumour -- there was a time when everyone in this city had green trees and green grass in their backyards.
I personally don't believe it, but sometimes there is a kernel of truth in the wildest story.
It's not easy being green, but don't despair. Heed the words of famed style expert Kermit the Frog, who reminds us: "When green is all there is to be/It could make you wonder why/But why wonder why wonder/I am green, and it'll do fine/It's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be."
Mr. Doug wants you to relax, Winnipeg. You're going to look wonderful in your green shirts and suits and skirts this season. It will make it very easy for the city crews to pluck your frozen bodies out of the snowbanks.