Let sex-starved relationship die, then walk

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 28, and living with my boyfriend of two years. The first six months were great, but as time goes by, I find our sex life dull. It's maybe once a week, and more like just to get it over with. There's no romance, intimacy or passion. He's very attentive and loves to cuddle, but it's gotten very blah. I feel like the connection is gone and we just do the weekly routines. He spends time with me, but when I bring "things" up, he just says he's not with me for sex. I try to explain sex is important! He looks at girls all the time, in a way he doesn't look at me, telling my friends they're "sexy," and all I get is "cute." I try to talk about our future and he won't; he just talks about his goals. Is this it for my life -- a sexless, unromantic, no-passion life? I love him and want to be with him, but I need more! When I tell him what I need, nothing changes. -- Not So Happy Anymore, St. Boniface

Dear Not So Happy: This fellow was the 100 per cent solution at one time, and within six months he became the 75 per cent solution. That was confusing because it's pretty good, but not great. But since then it's headed further downwards to "friends" on his side. Do you really want to marry a guy you only have sex with once a week? What a lacklustre honeymoon that would be! Great long-lasting marriages usually have a strong sexual element that gets the couple through having babies, bringing kids up, troubles at work, and all kinds of unrelated things. Two great lovers have a mutual deeply sexual feeling, not to be denied, even if they wish it would go away! You two don't have that special kind of crazy glue. You have the school paste. Look, you could run to the sex shop and buy a book with 365 different sexual things to do in a year, but that's not really the problem. It's lack of desire on his side. He looks at you like you're a comfy old shoe and ogles your friends and says they are sexy. He's refusing to talk about marriage, but you can't let go. So, let this relationship clunk along unfixed, like a car with growing engine problems until you have lost interest in fixing it, and it just quits on the side of the road. Then walk.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is an idiot. He thinks I don't know he sneaks home from work for a nap in the afternoons. We run a business together and he's letting me do the lion's share of the work and insulting my intelligence as well. Every day he's gone for two hours and he comes back refreshed with a clean shirt. How should I tell him what I know and that I want out of the business, though I still love him. -- Nobody's Fool, Transcona

Dear Fool: What makes you think he's at home in your bed? Tomorrow, start home 20 minutes after he leaves. If he's there, go in the house. Hopefully he will be alone. Stick around for awhile if he is. "She" may be late, so hang in there and don't let him phone anyone alone. Tell him what you think of being in business with him, a dishonest slacker, and that you may want to sell the business. If he heads in a different direction from the house and never arrives there, just go back to work. Hire a private detective to find out what's going on, as catching someone in the act can be a nasty, volatile situation that lives on in your mind.

Question or comments? Send them to lovecoach@hotmail.com or write to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1350 Mountain Ave., R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 30, 2013 D4