Let your lover fund education while continuing to 'keep' you

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was so happy about my man finally leaving his psycho wife who beats him (I saw the bruises) to come live with me. He has always said he loves me, not her. Then yesterday at the last minute, he phoned the apartment he rents for me to tell me his wife had cancer and he just couldn't leave her. I started crying. He said he still loved me and wanted to continue keeping me and paying the bills. He has a big business and lots of money, so it's nothing for him. I should be grateful, I know, but all I felt like doing was screaming, "Liar! How stupid do you think I am?" I know she didn't develop cancer in one day. She is an abuser, but a smart one. She came from the same background I have -- dirt poor, living on the rez. I feel like throwing this apartment back at him, but I need a place to live. I don't have an education after Grade 12 and I don't want to go back on the street. I still want to have sex with him, because it's the one thing he's good for now, but I feel betrayed and angry. And, oh God, I know I still love him deep down. OK, now I am crying again. What can I do? -- Betrayed and Angry, Winnipeg

Dear Betrayed: Let's be practical and totally unromantic for a bit. The high romance may be gone, now you know he isn't going to be your husband any day soon, or perhaps ever. What's likely is his wife saw that he was serious about leaving, and has promised to stop being violent, or she has vowed to take his kids from him. Or, he just chickened out. The bonus? He still wants to keep supporting you for now, and you don't have career training. How about asking this man to help fund an education for you? Pick a career and get the skills and education to support that goal and maintain a part-time straight job. When you start earning a good salary, you can move on independently. He may even wish you well with that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My three adult children are totally shunning me. They can't forgive the fact that I was a bad dad and drank so much that their young lives were not good when they were growing up. Now I am sober with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm trying so hard to make amends, but they don't want to know about me -- ignoring all my phone calls, emails and letters. I am blocked by them. Don't they at least owe me the time to apologize to them? Wouldn't it be good for their peace of mind to know how sorry I am? I have called their mother and asked her to speak to them and she says they have received my letters in the mail, looked at them and know "what I'm up to." She says they don't want anything to do with me. I long to meet my grandchildren and show them I am not the villain they have heard about. -- Totally Shunned, Winnipeg

Dear Shunned: It's hard to accept, but the three "kids" don't owe you anything, not even an audience. It is totally their decision and you must respect it. You have asked and they are aware you want to get through to apologize, and they have all chosen to refuse. That is the relief of being adults for them. They get to make choices about family members who have hurt them. They may be waiting to see how long it will be until you fall off the wagon. Their wounds may be so deep they don't ever want to know you and can't forgive you. You didn't mention anything about how you treated them when you were drinking hard. Talk to your AA group about this. It isn't an uncommon experience, especially in the beginning, when nobody trusts your sobriety.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition October 10, 2012 D5