Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a guy who lives in a little North End house on my own. Yesterday, I came home and discovered someone was in my bathroom in my house. I moved here from the country and never lock the doors, and everybody knows that, so I thought it was a close friend or family member. I knocked on the door and an unfamiliar woman's voice called out: "Hold your horses, I'm busy. I'll be out in a minute." I yelled, "Who the heck are you in there using my toilet?" and she yelled back: "Your worst nightmare! Hahaha."
I thought it must be some crazy street person, so I grabbed my baseball bat from the closet. Out comes this ditz I slept with a month ago after a night at a club and never called again. Once was enough. She said, "I was driving by your house and needed a bathroom and thought your door was probably open because you said you always leave it open, so I just dropped in for a few minutes. So put that stupid bat away." I just lost it at that point, and yelled, "Get out of my house!" and pushed her out the door. I know she didn't take anything, but she did break and enter. Should I call the cops? -- Freakin Furious, North End
Dear Furious: It's not worth the trouble. Do you even remember her name? Take this as a warning to lock your house from now on and stop having sex with strangers. You didn't lose anything this time, but that doesn't mean it wasn't in the plan. My guess is she resented the fact you never called her again and knew your house was always open. She probably dropped in to put a few things in her purse, got caught short, and decided to take five to use your loo.
Because you're foolishly yappy, she probably isn't the only almost-stranger who knows your house is open and your belongings are there for the taking. By the way, she probably doesn't care that much about what she passes on to almost-strangers sexually. Get yourself checked out. You need to wise up and this has been a wakeup call.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother has a girlfriend. They pretend they're just buddies, but they have sleepovers every weekend. That's not normal for women in their 40s. My mom is divorced, but her friend is married to a guy who is effeminate. (He's very girlie, in fact, and I have never understood that couple.) Last week I started questioning her about her friend, and she said, "I'll explain it to you one day." I said, "I think I know what lesbianism is, Ma." She looked like I'd slapped her, but she didn't deny it. Now things are extremely awkward at home. How do I open the subject? -- Shy Guy, Age 20, Linden Woods
Dear Shy Guy: The subject is already on the table, so next time you're alone, say, "Mom, I want to talk about you and your girlfriend." Then just keep on talking -- don't wait for a response. Tell her that you don't care who she loves, but you don't like her lying about sleepovers and everything else. If you're curious, ask how long your mom has been with this lady, if the marriage with your dad broke up because of it and what she hopes for in the future. Ask her all the questions you have flying around in your head. She owes you that much honesty, though not details, which you wouldn't want anyway.
Please send your questions or comments c/o email@example.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6