Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Look for an ulterior motive when ex is party guest

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Dear Miss Lonleyhearts: I met an amazingly intelligent good-looking guy at a party as he was standing against a wall. He was very eloquent and seemed to have it all together. He was drinking scotch and the host kept topping up his drink with a bottle as she went by. When he asked me if I'd like to go outside for a smoke, I said, "I don't smoke. So sorry you do! Smoking is bad for your health and out of date."

Then he looked at me and his face transformed into a nasty devil look, and he said something so crude to me I can't even tell you in the newspaper. I was upset and spoke to the hostess who had been giving him the never-ending liquor. She said, kind of fondly, "Oh, that's my ex-husband. You might as well get to know what he's really like. If he comes to my parties and stays sober somebody else might be fooled like I was."

So why invite your ex-husband at all? What is wrong with her head? I don't get it. Can you explain it for me? -- Shaking My Head, Winnipeg

Dear Shaking: She may still love the guy and could sleep with him at the end of the party, or more likely, the next morning when he wakes up and is capable. Exes with major faults sometimes stay together as friends and part-time lovers. This is probably the situation you ran into. By keeping her ex well-oiled at the party, she keeps him off the market. She knows women will be attracted to him, but he'll be rude and crude at some point. Don't waste any more time trying to figure out this woman and her relationship with her ex. If there was nothing left between them, she wouldn't be having him over for her parties.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Three women at work make a big deal of me and tease me about how sexy I look. I am a 25-year-old weightlifter and about 15 years younger than these women. I'm almost young enough to be their son! Last night one of them phoned me at home, after midnight. She must have gotten my phone number from the one who is the secretary. She wanted to come over from the bar.

I told her my girlfriend was over, and she said, "Don't lie to me: you don't have a girlfriend." I replied, "Well then, take the hint!" and hung up. At work today she was being very unco-operative with projects we have to work on together. She can make things very difficult for me at this job. She is not my boss, but she has power at the office through her two friends. Help! What should I do? -- Nobody's Boy Toy, Winnipeg

Dear Nobody's Boy Toy: Let this cool off. She will pout for a few days or a week, but she has to know she was making a booty call, which is low-class and inappropriate, even if you weren't a co-worker. Don't over-value your working relationship to the point where you bow down to sexual harassment. Let her know she has no business (and say this clearly) "harassing" you and that you won't put up with it from anybody. The H-word coming out of the mouth of a guy will be enough to shock her and she will quickly repeat it to her two buddies. Once they see you're not afraid to fight back they will lose interest in trying to play with you at work or after the bar closes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am a woman who adores golf. I dream about it when I can't play it in the winter. My husband likes golf enough for once a week in the summer but he doesn't crave it the way I do. He refused to take a golfing vacation with me this winter and every winter.

I've had it! I have told him he he has two weeks to make up his mind and then I am going to purchase a ticket and go with my golfing girlfriends to Florida. He just laughed at me and said, "You wouldn't dare do that." Oh yes I would. He doesn't know I have a lot of money socked away and he thinks he holds the purse strings in this family.

I could plop down $10,000 and go on a month's golf tour if I wanted to, easily. I have saved a ton of money he doesn't know about. Both my parents kept giving me (quietly) sums of money before they died. I don't really need his money to live on, but I kept my money secret so it wouldn't emasculate him. He's old school and 20 years older than I am. I haven't loved him for a long time. What should i do? -- End of My Rope, Winnipeg

 

Dear End of my Rope: There's more going on here than a golfing problem. This difference in sporting tastes is also a power struggle about to erupt. Other issues like freedom to travel, disappointment in the marriage, differing ages and emerging equality for you in the marriage are some of the things that are about to to spew. It simply can't stay the same. He wants to deny you your passion -- and you won't take it any more. You're not afraid of his leaving or threatening you with losing financial support either. Do you still have a job? I'm guessing you don't.

Probably the wisest thing you could do at this point is get another job, or start your own business, because things are about to change, especially once you start spending your own money and taking golf holidays without him. If you are thinking of a split, see a domestic lawyer and an independent accountant before you travel. Your husband could accomplish a lot in two weeks, and if he's furious, you could come home to the doors locked.

 

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 22, 2014 G4

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