DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is not impotent, but he's cold and indifferent to me and we never have sex any more -- it's been eight months now. I've read indifference is the opposite of love, not hatred or anger. I asked this morning if he still loved me and he said, "I'm still here, aren't I?" I said, "No you're not." He shrugged and muttered his favourite criticism "so pretty and so dumb."
He went off to work. I broke down and sobbed for the first time. I feel it's over, but we don't have any kids and I'm 32. I'm afraid I'm down to my last healthy eggs! It's too late to find another guy and get started again to have kids, which is my greatest desire. When I came home from work today, I was actually surprised to see him. Not that he said he was leaving, but I know he couldn't care less about me or my thoughts, my desire for family or my work. He just married me for my looks, which used to be something. Here is my question... -- To Go or Not To Go? Downtown Winnipeg
Dear To Go or Not: Don't let fear of being childless get in the way of leaving a sad, disrespectful, sexless relationship that has totally run out of life. In fact, this guy may be ignoring you and abstaining from sex because he doesn't want to get you pregnant and further tied to him. Or, he may have a new lady taking care of that and he's being sexually "true" to her. Lots of guys prefer for the woman to break up the marriage so they don't look so bad.
It's time to do the unthinkable -- open a conversation about the future of your relationship with him. Rock the boat as hard as necessary to get the answers you need. You don't have time for one thing -- wasting time. It's not too late to start again and you still have lots of good eggs at 32. On a personal note, I had babies at 38 and six weeks shy of 40 and they are wonderful, healthy kids. Had that not happened, I would have adopted a child. You are not trapped without choices. Take back your power today.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been upset for five days since I lost my job. I got really angry and went in and told my boss off and the old creep told me, "You don't need to come back to this hellhole, as you call it, girlie! In fact, pack your desk right now, and get out." I got out, but not before I called him a bunch of bad words.
Security showed up really fast so I guess he has a buzzer under his desk. They walked me to my car, helped me put the boxes inside, shut the doors and stood there until I had driven off the lot. I could see them in my rear-view mirror. That disgusting jerk had it coming, but now I'm going to be blackballed out of my profession. How do I apply elsewhere when this town is so small, I'm in a gossipy business and have a bad rep now? Do I cold call and lead with, "I am an excellent worker, but I got fired from my last job because I had it out with my boss?" Help! -- Need a Spin Doctor, Tuxedo
Dear Spin: If word is out in your profession about this blow up, you might say you "finally had it out with a superior" when you're talking to the boss of a new place where you want to work. If it's a big place, you'll probably be talking to a human resources person first. He or she may want details about the problem and the parting. Have a few that suggest you're a good worker who got pushed beyond her limit. You should also say you regret the way you ended things, you learned from it, and won't be doing that again, answering the unspoken question.
Please send your questions or comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6