DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was seeing this fellow for six months, one or two times a week. I fully understood he was living with someone else who never had sex with him and didn't love him. We had a very strong bond. Magic! But, I let go of everything, told him it's over and never to cross my path again.
I told him to pick up the presents he gave me as I didn't want memories of him around me, so he came and got them. Now I'm hurting badly, and crying a lot. I did leave a message and apologize, hoping and praying he would return to me. Please help. I have a knot in my throat and heartbeat in my stomach. I'm 55 and feel like I'll never find a love like that again. -- Helpless and Hopeless, Winnipeg
Dear H & H: You're lonely now that he's gone, but while he was in your life, you were hurting enough to send him packing. Or, were you just doing that as a ruse to make him leave her, and come to you? Why was he staying with the woman he claims he has no sex or love with? Is he still in love with her? Is he married with children? Or, is he just greedy and lying about the coldness at home? The thing about affairs is they have very little resilience -- there is no room for the mistress to cause fusses. This guy has enough complications, and asking him to come get his stuff because you don't want anything of him left would be insulting enough to finish things off. Your best hope for romance now is to let him be and look for someone who's free.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for four years and we are getting married soon. Although I'm extremely happy, and he is incredibly supportive, he gets angry sometimes. Typically his anger is a result of discussing my previous relationships or my few male friends.
I find that in those moments of anger I fear him, even though he has never verbally or physically abused me. I know he is deeply insecure and will often ask where I'm going and who I'm spending my time with. Should I be concerned? I know extreme jealousy can be signs of an abusive partner. Even though I'm happy, I have a small nagging doubt and wonder if love is making me blind. -- Nagging Doubt, Winnipeg
Dear Nagging: If you marry this insecure man, there are things you can do to make him feel safe and secure. It's smart to have your friends over regularly as a newly-married couple so your partner can get to know everybody well and your male friends can see for sure that you are a happy, close, married couple. Some male friends maintain a secret crush on female friends who have not married them, especially if they don't see the groom around much. It's good to have that issue settled.
It's also smart for both you and your new husband to have a happy bond with friends on his side, both married and single. He needs to see you welcome them into your home, but not flirt with them. It is the unknown single guys or married flirts who are most scary to an insecure guy. Have all your friends over for meals and board games after dinner so everybody in this doubled circle really get to know each other.
Also, let your husband know you love being married to him, not just that you love him. And when you are getting married, make a private pact not to talk about any romantic partners from the past ever again. There is simply no need and it shouldn't have started in the first place. When romantic partners do that, it causes needless angst which shows up as anger in a man because it involves less humiliation than showing hurt.
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