Make sure you get immediate help for depression

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm struggling to get over my ex fiancé. We broke up in June because I thought I cheated. Technically I did, but I was drugged and I only recently found out about it. I thought I just blacked out from alcohol, but apparently there was more to it. He's apparently moved on, has a new girlfriend that he's introduced to his family, and spent Christmas with. It's a little soon, isn't it? I'm dying a very slow and painful death inside. I have thought of buying a gun and killing myself. I love him. I hate that he's already dating. I've been trying desperately to move on. Thinking, if he's got a girlfriend, why can't I get a boyfriend? He ignores all my messages, blocked me on Facebook and I can't date. All I see is his face. I lie awake at night wishing for death. I don't want to live. Why is he doing this to me? I thought he loved me. Why would he propose if he's so happy with someone else? I can't go on living like this. -- At The Bottom, Winnipeg

Dear At The Bottom: I am sorry you are feeling so upset and seriously depressed. Because you're feeling suicidal, you need to go directly to a hospital emergency department. Don't soft-pedal the reason why to the nurse you first see. Tell the whole truth about your state, even details like the gun. Be prepared to sit for a while, as that's reality in Winnipeg. Bring food and drink and books of your own and possibly a close friend or relative, if possible. You may prefer to be alone, but you must hang in there until you can see a psychiatrist who can look after you. Don't sit there drinking coffee after coffee with no food and getting more and more hungry and upset. Why go to emergency and not a walk-in or your own physician? Because they have psychiatrists and psychiatric resident doctors on staff at hospitals. In a suicidal state you may need hospitalization or anti-depressants that kick in fast. Then you need ongoing help set up to get past this heartbreak and to build you up, so no other heartbreak can devastate the core being that is you. Your goal is to never again be a person who thinks she has to be attached to another to feel like living. The suicide prevention line at Klinic (a crisis line which also deals with people who are down but not considering suicide) is open 24/7 at 786-8686. If they are busy, keep calling back. They also offer free walk-in counselling; call 204-784-4067 for hours. (545 Broadway on Monday and Wednesday noon to 7 p.m. and Tuesday, Friday and Saturday noon to four. Transcona location at 845 Regent Ave West. is open Tuesday noon to 7 p.m.)

As for personal advice -- when a person has moved onto another, this relationship is finished and was not meant to be in this go-round on Earth. It's a myth that are is only one soul mate on this planet for each of us. Totally untrue! There are many. Anywhere else we choose to move (where there are enough people) there are more possible mates. But, you need to get your motor running again in order to attract a new person. You need to be in healthy shape -- body, mind and soul -- for a healthy relationship. Than means you need months of counselling and relaxing time with friends more than you need dating of any kind. Be clear: you don't need this particular guy back, but you may want to find a guy who is similar to him when you are ready. And, it is clear you need help with the alcohol problem. Call the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba (944-6200) for an assessment of your drinking. As for the marriage proposal that confuses you, it was made at a time before there was trouble and heartbreak. Remember this for next time: Love is not a rock, it's a plant. When a plant is finished, you have to start with a tiny new one and grow it and be very careful with it, even as it gets stronger.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 19, 2013 G5