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Your brain wants to deal with breakup fears

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been having bad dreams lately about my boyfriend. We've been dating for more than a year, The first dream consisted of his becoming friends with this guy who we both dislike a lot and that guy convinced him to break up with me for another girl. The second dream consisted of my boyfriend becoming friends with a friend of mine and they convinced him to break up with me for someone else again. The third and most recent was about my finding out my boyfriend was on dating sites, while we were dating, looking for someone else. All of these dreams have upset me when I've woken up. Do you know the meaning behind these dreams and why you think I'm having them? I should add I think my boyfriend wants to break up with me. I've just felt like his feelings have changed in the past little while. I do feel like I love him more than he loves me and I'm scared he's getting bored. -- Love Him More, Winnipeg

Dear Love Him More: Breakup is the major theme of your anxious dreams. And somebody else is always causing the breakups not you. Definition of a dream? The residue of the day's activities acted upon by our unrestrained wishes, fears and desires. In your case your underlying fear about a breakup is activating and re-activating these themes. You might as well have "the talk" now, as your subconscious brain is begging for this to be resolved. Find out how your boyfriend really feels about you. The answer had better be an enthusiastic, "I love you so much!" Not a lukewarm, "You know I think you're great, baby," or you should consider leaving. Nobody can feel secure in a relationship where someone is doing them the favour of staying. If you break up, dare to be alone for a while and really take time to look for a wonderful new guy.


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I did everything for my first wife, and she didn't appreciate it. In fact, she said she disrespected me for it. Now I have a new wife and I just do my half. If she tries to push me to do more, I say in my best fake New York accent: "Whatsa matta, you got a piano tied to your butt?" She laughs, and the tension breaks. I love this independent woman very much. But oddly enough, I kind of miss serving the lady in my life. How can I have some of that without falling into the trap of doing everything? -- Nobody's Servant Anymore, Tuxedo

Dear Nobody's Servant: When someone has a mate who wants to do everything for her or him, it's easy to become lazy and inept and to feel like one has become royalty. That is an upset of the necessary power balance in a couple. You should strive to be partners, and on special occasions, you can spoil this new lady -- like birthdays and holidays and even Sunday mornings if you'd like to do it more often, and she's OK with that. She may want to spoil you back on occasion, and you should definitely let her. If she doesn't want to reciprocate, then just be careful you don't over-serve on your end, and make her feel guilty and uncomfortable.


Questions or comments? Please email or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 8, 2013 D2

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