Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Stop being a doormat for pushy sister-in-law

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My sister-in-law is way too close to my husband. He takes her advice on most of our major family purchases and personal problems with our kids and between us as a couple. As his wife, I come third in this line -- it's not even a triangle anymore. In the beginning, when I was close to her, it was a triangle, but she managed to wiggle herself into first place. She is running our marriage. I don't know how to get rid of her because my husband adores her. She has always been close and looked after him when his mom, an alcoholic, was not doing the job. Now she wants to come and live with us in our new house, which she helped pick out, and I am adamant she will not. I haven't told him this yet, but if she moves in, I'm out. The kids are 18 and 20 and quite independent. -- Absolutely Had It! Tuxedo
  • Getting the boot will be good for you

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been living in my parents' basement for almost 10 years. Today I found a rude note pinned to the door saying: "You have one month to move out, son. Love, Mom and Dad." I haven't been any trouble to them and I'm only 28. I moved out when I was 18 and moved back six months later because it was too soon, I never had any money to spend and I hated my roommates. And they only gave me one month's warning time. Where am I supposed to get a new place in a month? I realize I have had a full-time job for four years now and they want to use the basement for themselves -- they're always complaining -- but why are they asking me to get out all of the sudden? I don't have a girlfriend and most Italian kids I know don't have to move out until they get married. -- Turfed for No Reason, West End
  • Your sex drive is normal, your boyfriend is not

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm 23 and in love with sex. I want it all the time. My boyfriend says I am oversexed and to leave him alone unless he initiates it. I have no experience with anyone else since I was a virgin when I met him, but he only wants sex every second night and I want it two to three times a day. Is there something wrong with me as he suggests when he says hurtful things? Last night he said, "You're turning into a nymphomaniac." I know that word and was very hurt. Please advise me what to do. -- Not a Nympho, St. Boniface Dear Not a Nympho: You're with the wrong young man. There are lots of guys your age who like to make love in the morning and at night and sometimes in between. Some can have sex twice in a row, given a 15-minute break. If you want the extra loving, then you need to move on from this guy who is calling you names to try to put out your flames. Staying with him is not good for your self-esteem, and anyone who is a name-caller is bad news, as it doesn't stop at one nasty name and is a way to verbally beat you down. Mental cruelty is not something anyone should knowingly get involved with, so say bye-bye to this guy ASAP.
  • Wife's daily walks not just for her health

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife walks with four or five other women every weekday. Little did I know they were walking over to the neighbourhood bar and drinking while they flirt with unemployed married guys who hang out there. I saw her car parked outside the bar when I was coming home early from work a week ago. I walked in and asked the young hotel clerk if there were a bunch of women "walkers" in the bar. He said there had been -- they come in every day -- but now there was only one.
  • Silver-tongued lover hurt by truthful insult

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was walking down Osborne Street the other day to go to a bar and coming straight for me was a woman I jumped-and-dumped and hurt. One of her friends phoned me up and told me what a creep I was and how I had hurt her with all the love crap I told her. What's her problem? Apparently I said a lot of things I didn't mean during the six days we were stuck together like glue. It was just a fun sex thing. I've done this before and no one ever complained; it adds to the fun of the game. She didn't look away, although I knew she'd spotted me and she had eyes like two hot coals. I knew she was going to accost me. I wanted to run into the oncoming traffic, but had no choice but to walk towards her, or turn tail and run back to the liquor store from whence I came. I had the tell-tale brown bags in my hand and it's well-known I drink a little too much. As she was about to walk by me she stopped and yelled at me, "You're a lying (creep) and a pathetic drunk!" People looked, thinking there would be a fight, but she changed her mind and kept going. I don't know why this bothers me so much since I'm only 28, but I can't stop thinking about it. -- Plagued By Her, Osborne Village
  • Extra pleasure before work starting to feel like overtime

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My beautiful wife of six months kisses me goodbye at the door and then tries to get sexual and pulls me back into the house for another round. When the weather recently got nice, she even came running out after me to the car in front of our new house to pull this stunt. I felt embarrassed she was pawing me in public. What is wrong with her? She gets lots of sex, but it's never enough. It's beginning to feel like work and I'm always late for my shift. -- Sex Slave, Fort Richmond Dear Sex Slave: It's a shame when pleasure becomes work. Is your wife not working herself or perhaps works an opposite shift? There's a kind of desperation to this sex, like "prove you love me and risk your job," or, "I die of boredom once you're gone." Ask her gently how she feels and watch her face closely; it could be revealing -- unless this is a little power game she's playing.
  • Relationship boat sinking, so why not rock it?

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend just asked me to his Grade 12 grad, which is in June. Last year, I would have been thrilled, but the trouble is I don't think I want to be in this relationship forever, now. I like my boyfriend about 85 per cent, like an old husband. Should I tough it out, so I don't disappoint him, and also guarantee I have a nice grad date myself? Or should I tell him right now that we're kind of through when I'm not quite sure? -- Sweet 16 Is Not So Sweet, Winnipeg Dear Not So Sweet: Don't make your life all about graduation night. Rock the relationship boat instead and bring up the things that bug you. He may have things that bother him about you, too. Frank discussion is the bravest and best way to go. Things tend to evolve the way they should: either it works out and the relationship catches fire, or it tanks quickly. So, get in that leaky boat and rock it this week! If you find that neither of you is happy, wrap it up within a month and you both still have lots of time to get other dates for grad.
  • Channel fighting energy in a safer environment

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Girl-on-girl fighting has become a kind of indoor sport in the bars. I like it. I go in the bathroom because girls take it into the bathroom when there's going to be a scrap. God knows it's been too cold to go outside this winter. One girl will slap another and call her a name, or sometimes they start a fight right on the dance floor, and then they're going at it. It's like a hockey game when everybody gets excited once somebody finally starts fighting. Now I can hardly wait until something happens. Is there something wrong with me, or am I normal, and most of the people out there are too scared to show how they really feel? -- Hear Me Roar, North End
  • Dietary philosophies open up raw emotions

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is a meat eater and I am, proud to say, a new vegan. The other night after dinner he wanted to have sex, and I was totally turned off because I could still smell the stinky meat on his breath. I asked him to "wait a while until he'd digested the animal parts in his stomach." He got real mad and said to me, "Someone's getting light-headed from eating too many veggies and not enough meat. And, and by the way, those are nice leather shoes you're wearing. Whose hide were they made of -- Bambi's?" Then he slammed out the door on his way out to go to the bar. When he came home, he wanted to kiss and make up, but by that time, he had stinky beer breath. When I brought that up, he said, "OK, that's enough crap from you." I could hear the click as he turned off and went cold. "I'll talk to you about this in the morning." That next day he said: "I don't like the person you're turning into. I don't want to live beside you and your snotty vegan attitudes." This afternoon he moved back home to his mom's basement and left me alone in my place. How do I get him back? Is it even possible? -- Love Him! West End
  • Stop being oblique with friend about love triangle

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I agree with the opinion that close friends and family should tell someone if his or her spouse is cheating on them. Here is my predicament: All three people involved in a love triangle are friends of mine. The affair started about a year ago in a heat-of-the-moment situation. It grew into a relationship from there. I supported my friend, the lover, although I encouraged her to end it. The wife was suspicious from the beginning, but over the last few months has been asking some questions and making comments. The guy is playing them both, trying to make his marriage work, but still being involved in an emotional and physical affair.
  • Shine light on barracudas swimming in the dark

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I read about the man-eating-barracuda problem a wife called "Sad" was having in your column. I also had a barracuda for a neighbour and she started going after the men on our bay one at a time. Working on her front garden wearing a tiny bikini started it all. She had a lot of other moves, her own swimming pool, appliances that always need fixing and a full bar that was always open. That went on until a couple of women from our bay paid her a visit as a group. Her house was up for sale within a month. -- Flushing the Barracuda, Winnipeg Dear Flushing: House up for sale? That must have been some visit. While I don't recommend torches on the lawn and lynch mobs, it is wise for people to confront their tempted partners rather than turning a blind eye and hoping the barracuda will go away. Even saying something to your spouse like, "I know you very well and I notice you are showing interest in so-and-so. Please stop it now. Let's work on our relationship if there's a problem. I love you too much to lose you." Aware, assertive and loving -- that's the combo.
  • Virgin boyfriend up for having sex anytime

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend has an overload of testosterone. I don't know how to put this delicately, but he is always up for the challenge and I mean always, even in public. He has even been to the doctor about this, but the strange thing is this only happens when he's with me, so the doctor said he wasn't worried. But whenever he's with me, he has a full you-know-what the whole time. My friends have made jokes about it as he's not a small boy and it's noticeable. Lately, he's started wearing longer plaid shirts on the outside of his jeans to cover up. I don't know whether to take this as a compliment or whether to react to it as kind of weird and obscene. We are both 26 and from a conservative background, and though I'm not a virgin, we're not having sex yet. He is a virgin. My older married sister says, "Why don't you just have sex with him and get it over with so we can all relax." -- Creepy or a Compliment, Downtown Dear C or C: You don't mention having big feelings for this guy. Does that make holding off having sex quite easy for you, or is it your religious beliefs? If you think you're slowly falling in love and will have sex soon enough, that's one thing, but if this is just a fill-in boyfriend to date until Mr. Right comes along, it might be time to back off. Is he a contender for your heart or not? If he is, let him know how long he can expect to wait and he may just settle down knowing that there's a few weeks or months to wait.
  • That ain't apple juice in the jar under co-worker's desk

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I work in an office with four other people and we each have our own small office (not cubicles). I recently discovered that one of my co-workers has been keeping a pee jug under his desk in his office. I think this is absolutely revolting, disgusting and unhygienic. I don't know how to bring this up to our supervisor, but I feel like it needs to be dealt with because I just can't work in a place much longer with something like this happening. This particular co-worker is very lazy at his job. One of the worst parts of it is that I am in the office next to him, and with the walls being thin, I can hear him going in the jug. How do I handle this? -- Revolted, Winnipeg Dear Revolted: Talk about sheer laziness and lack of class! Your supervisor should have been told immediately. Ask for a private talk with him or her and provide some details about when you first noticed and how you know what he's doing. Have you checked and seen the jug? If not, does the sound take a longer time than pouring liquid out of a pop bottle? Have you heard anything else through those thin walls, like a zipper on its way up or down? This is a serious accusation, so make sure it's true before you make a report.
  • You shouldn't abandon your newlywed bed

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got married late in life. I love my young wife dearly, but I simply can't get a good sleep beside her. I know there are many people who can't sleep well with someone. For me, it is imperative I get a good night's sleep. I am a professional with big responsibilities and I need my sleep every night. I don't want to vacate the master bedroom, but what else can I do? I used to go home from her place every night to sleep for this reason, but now we share a home. What do other new couples do? I lie awake listening to her breathing and the hours drag by. -- Desperate to Adapt, Winnipeg  
  • Dog abuser not the kind of wife you need in life

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new wife is a dog beater. She smacks my dog hard with the newspaper if he misbehaves. I asked her how she'd feel if I smacked her behind with a newspaper when she got dirt on the hallway rug and she said, "Go ahead, try me!" I didn't know how to take that and didn't want to find out. I am 50, pretty good-looking and not hard up to get women chasing me. This morning I came downstairs and she was hitting the dog again, this time with her hand. I had enough and took the dog to my daughter's house and explained the situation. She can't stand this new wife anyway, so she won't tell. Now my wife wants to know where the dog went and I told her I took it away where she could never hit it again.
  • He's singing the blues after karaoke PDA

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I took my girlfriend to a karaoke bar and sang to her from the stage. It was a foolish thing to do. She didn't like the public nature of it and she didn't care for the way I sounded (I know I don't have a great voice). She was totally embarrassed. She said I looked like an idiot up there! Ouch -- it was very harsh. It took us three weeks to get back to a good place with each other again. I don't really know what I did that was so wrong. I just wanted to show her my love. It hurts me that she reacted that way. She says she loves me, but never to do anything that stupid again. What do you think? -- Singing Loser, Elwood
  • Needs of children have to come first in divorce

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In response to Country Mom, I feel compelled to weigh in as a child who was caught in the middle of the ugliness of a divorce. If your intentions are truly to be a stepmom to these children, be patient. You may experience some resentment from the kids when everything falls into place, and I have to stress, as a child who was there, there is a good chance these kids may have heard words between the adults in their lives that no child should hear. When my parents divorced, I was told my father was killed. I was too young to process what that really meant, but I knew he was gone and I couldn't hear his laugh anymore. To feel as a toddler what I now know is grief was not fair to me. I believed he was dead until I was 14. Learning he was alive, paid his child support on time every month, that I have siblings and that he tried hard to see me was like getting kicked in the stomach. There is no forgiving my mother for preventing the relationship I could have had with my dad. I was told a lot of nasty things about him because she is (not was, still is) unable to accept the fact he has other children and did her best to create and maintain a divide between us. His ex (my siblings' mother) is also guilty of this.
  • Take a bite out of man-eater's frequent visits with husband

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm so hurt by the way my husband is reacting to the man-eating barracuda next door. She is after him, no doubt. I'm not a violent woman, but I am steaming. My husband and I work opposite shifts, so she has plenty of time to work him over. I have found the tail ends of pies, cookies and sweet buns she has brought over. This week she brought a casserole that they ate together before she went home. Why doesn't she go online and get her own man? She's hot-looking, in her late 30s, divorced and has so much inheritance money she has no need to work! She fawns over me when she sees me and says we should become great friends. At first my husband was chatting freely about her visits, but now he has gone underground and I see the evidence in the sink: two plates, her lipstick on the coffee mug, her lipstick on tissues in the bathroom garbage, but no mention of her. How can I get her off him? -- Sad and Scared, Osborne Village
  • Use food as a bridge to repair relationship

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Our family is in splinters. I had three children and a drinking problem when I started out. Now the two oldest boys are living with my husband. The third kid -- my teenage daughter -- has no interest in living over there. I am working steadily at a decent job and no longer drinking. We have all the amenities here, and she lives near her high school and friends. She doesn't like my rules, which are strict, but she appreciates having a mother who loves her and takes care of her. At Dad's house, the boys can walk around drinking beer, have parties because their father works the night shift and skip school frequently. My ex encourages the boys to be rude to me, and they have called me names on the phone and said things like "Shut up" and "Stop calling."
  • Wife not very sympathetic about partner's 'pregnancy'

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: You'd think my big baby of a husband was pregnant. He has a bigger pot belly than I have a pregnancy belly and he has gained pound for pound with me. When I feel sick, he claims to feel sick, too. Frankly, I'm getting sick of his trying to steal my thunder. What is his problem? -- Got a Fake Pregnant Husband, Winnipeg Dear Fake: Fatigue, weight gain and nausea can develop when a man is very close and in tune with this mate, but the pregnant ladies don't appreciate it. Some of the man's symptoms make sense. If his pregnant wife isn't sleeping well in the same bed, it's hard for the man to sleep well. If the new mom is scarfing down treats she craves, hubby starts thinking about treats he likes. The mention of nausea or the smell of vomit can make the husband feel sick, too. It's not such a big deal if a woman can keep up a sense of humour about it, but a lot of women just feel annoyed when this is their time to be pampered and be the focus.
  • Miniature zoo more than just a problem for you

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am free, single and in deep, embarrassing trouble. I'm in my early 30s, have two girlfriends in town and a young girlfriend, 22, who is very casual. I was just teaching her the ropes, at her request. I have been having frequent sex with all three women -- I love each one in a different way -- but I have encountered a problem: I have a case of "critters" and my doctor sent me to the pharmacy for the cure today. I am going to be OK after treatments of medicated shampoo and washing my clothes and bedsheets with hot water, I just don't know what to do about my girlfriends. One of them gave it to me, but which one? Do I tell them all, or what? Could I just wait until the guilty one confesses? I also have this little ray of hope: could I have gotten it from a wet towel at the gym? -- Bad Boy, St. Vital
  • My boss has no spine and I'm losing my mind

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm disgusted with my boss for being such a weakling. If I had her job, I'd kick butt all over the office. People run roughshod all over her and this business is totally inefficient because of it, but nobody seems to care. I spoke to human resources and the woman said I was the only one to register a complaint. That's because everybody likes slacking off, including the HR employee (her golf season is coming up), and collecting their undeserved paycheques every two weeks. They also enjoy telling the boss in my department, "I'm too busy. You'll have to do it." Can you believe it? I've heard people say it! I'm totally frustrated today and every day. Should I quit? -- Had It Up To Here, Winnipeg
  • Court not always the place for child-custody battles

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I do not believe your advice to Country Mom to get the husband to call his lawyer because his wife is withholding visitation because of a girlfriend of less than one year was helpful. I can relate. I've been in a relationship for five years. My partner's ex has taken away his children and refused him access to the children time and time again for no valid reason. It takes several months to appear in front of a judge. After several years of court battles, my partner was granted access to his children 50 per cent of the time. Eight months later, there was a minor disagreement and she refused to let him see his children for three months. My partner did everything to gain back access to them. Even if there is a custody agreement, everything must be done through the court -- a slow and painful process. Then the judge decided not to restore the 50 per cent agreement, as the child-care arrangement had already been changed and it would be a disruption to the children's lives. They now have to wait for a trial judge, which costs thousands of dollars and many more months. So my partner's ex clearly did something illegal, and not only were there no consequences, but she was rewarded! I agree it can't hurt for Country Mom to call the ex herself, however, a hang-up is likely all she will get. -- Seen How the System Works, Winnipeg
  • Proud husbands will make peace on their own

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has a fringe of long hair like a clown. He wears a hat thinking people won't notice and they will still think he has flowing locks like he did when he was a rocker and played in a band a decade ago. I don't say anything about it because I love him and he is beautiful to me, any which way. Yesterday, a neighbour came over to help my husband change a tire in the driveway and I heard him say, "Hey Krusty, need any help?' My husband is familiar with The Simpsons and Krusty the Clown. He said something very rude back and the guy sauntered off home shaking his head like my husband was an idiot. The guy next door has lots of thick hair, and is a little thick in the head.
  • Researching your ancestral roots requires digging, but it's worth it

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Searching's situation (the woman whose relatives will not talk about her aboriginal heritage) really struck home with me. I too, prompted an older relative to start a family genealogy, which indeed exposed my Métis heritage, which my father hid from me growing up. My ancestors were Scottish and were early settlers here, but I am Métis. This has triggered a lot for me personally, including feelings of shame for not knowing my true heritage, or helping the aboriginal community, watching while they suffer, not knowing that my blood flows within them as well. We are all Métis people.

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