Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was making love with my wife when I got a sudden charley horse and started jumping around trying to pound weight into the arch of my foot to make the pain stop. In the meantime, my wife (who is very self-centred) snapped the TV back on. I limped back to the bed after the cramp had subsided and she looked at me with disdain as if I purposely ruined our sex scene. "Well, I guess that’s it until next Saturday," she said coldly. She was referring to my insistence on weekend sex only. I’m busy during the week and very tired, and on Sunday nights I have to get a good sleep for Monday as I’m a physician with a big practice. I just don’t know how to deal with her anymore. — Stymied, W. Winnipeg
Dear Stymied: How long does sex take at your house? The average sex grapple between most long-term married partners is under 20 minutes. Why would you be having sex just once a week when your wife is strongly indicating by her bitter response, that she wants more lovemaking with you? When you were an overworked intern, hardly sleeping at all, you probably had sex a number of times per week with your girlfriend(s). So what is the real problem? Are you fed up with your wife’s self-centredness in other areas? How about this rigid schedule of yours that doesn’t allow sex any other night than Saturday? Who’s being self-centred there? You two need an agreement for more sex, even if it’s morning quickies in the shower.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a man in my 70s and live in an independent seniors’ apartment block. There are lot of widows and divorcées here and they are very good to me. I have fallen quite hard for one of them. She and I are an intimate pair, but the others have not stopped calling. They are quite sneaky too. They seem to know when she comes and goes. I’m always hearing knocks at the door and someone often brings me a pie or produce from their kids’ gardens. I know what it means, and it is sweet. But, how do I get rid of them now? I feel like I must be gentlemanly and ask them in, but when my special lady comes over it’s awkward to have somebody already sitting there on the sofa. — Too Much Attention, South End
Dear Attention: Make a sign for your door that starts with her name (let’s call her Joy). Write something like, "Joy, I’ll be back in five minutes." It will keeps the others away, though they might still drop their treats at the door for you for awhile. Keep a radio on all the time, so the ladies in the block think that’s your security system, not a sign that you are actually at home hiding. And remember this, lucky man: The only thing worse than too much attention, is no attention.
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