Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a woman from another department on another floor at my Christmas party and we hit it off. We had quite a few drinks together. Then we were glued to each other all night, slow dancing. She even sat on my knee for a few minutes and kissed my ear. She’d had quite a bit to drink. At one point she beckoned me down the hall and into a bathroom nobody seemed to be using, with a door you could lock. We got into a hot and heavy necking session. OK, it was way more than necking. And then she got her coat, fell into a cab, and went home. Now, here’s what’s driving me crazy. At work the last two weeks, she treats me as if I don’t even exist. I have run into her a dozen times and she looks right through me. She wasn’t THAT drunk on the free booze at the party that she doesn’t know who I am now. Even if she never touches me again, I still want to be friendly, but she won’t even answer to hello. What can I do to get her attention and ask her why she’s being so cold? — Getting Mad Now, Winnipeg
Dear Getting Mad: People notice when two employees are bombed and squeezing each other on the dance floor, and then end up in a locked bathroom for half an hour. Now this woman is sober, she knows what she did, and a few people may have bugged her about it. She wants to reclaim her reputation at work, so she’s pretending it didn’t happen. What the two of you did at the Christmas party was unwise politically, but now it’s all over for her. That ship has sunk. Take your cue from her, and give her the deep freeze right back. You didn’t know her before the party and you don’t know her now, aside from a few minutes with her in a locked room, powdering whatever. She should be pleasant but businesslike to you, but she isn’t. Have you been stalking her floor at work? Stop, if you have. You apparently didn’t run into her before the party, and you don’t need to keep running into her accidently-on-purpose now.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a New Year’s resolution. I want more sex with my own wife. I discussed it with her yesterday. She is not feeling the love, believe me. We have three kids and she sees sex as a dangerous activity. Yet, she won’t get her tubes tied. I don’t want to get a vasectomy because I don’t want to be de-sexed psychologically like my dad was after his vasectomy. When I mentioned it, my wife became very angry. She said, "Haven’t I given you three sons already? What more do you want?" That’s not the POINT and she doesn’t get it! I am living in a sexually dead marriage in my 30s, with hardly any sex and affection. I feel like a meal ticket half the time. She hasn’t worked a day since we were married, and she was six months pregnant. — Unloved and Fed Up, S. St. Vital
Dear Unloved: It’s not about the birth control! She could get an IUD. You could get over yourself about the vasectomy by chatting for half an hour with a counsellor. Your wife could use the pill and you could use a condom. If people want to have sex, they will take care of the egg-and-sperm details. Your wife just doesn’t want to have sex with you because the idea doesn’t appeal to her. Why is she really turned off? You know some of the answers but you need to ask two questions: "What do I do to turn you off me as a person and as a sex partner?" and "Does it hurt when we have sex?" That’s another big turn off which you could address with lubricant and an effort to start enjoying each other again outside the bedroom. The thing that’s often so dismal about married sex is how sex is considered a given, and that often means nobody’s trying — the couple doesn’t dress up sexually for each other, light candles, go out on dates, have fun, laugh, neck, hold hands, or make angels in the snow. So screw up your courage and ASK your wife the big questions tonight.
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