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Affair just a bad dream, but you need to talk to him

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Last night I had a dream my husband was trying to get rid of me, so he could have a new girlfriend. It was vivid, like it was really happening. In my sleep I started hitting him with my pillow. He woke up, shocked at being whacked so hard, and grabbed my arms to stop me. Now he thinks I'm a lunatic and I have bruises on my arms from where he grabbed me. This seems like such a low to sink to, after our marriage which has been beautiful, up to the last three months. He hired a new computer tech assistant at the office and doesn't come home until late, and I feel... Sick to My Stomach, West Kildonan.

Dear Sick: Getting whacked over the head repeatedly in one's sleep is provocation to grab arms tightly and make them stop. Don't count that as a violent act towards you. At a subconscious level you hit high alarm, and it came out in your sleep. Now, there's no choice. You have to talk to your husband about what's really bothering you, and why you had this nightmare. Although it's humiliating and you will probably be tearful bringing it up, it's necessary to face what feels like an affair. Affairs thrive in the dark. Your only hope of quashing this relationship you fear is to shine a spotlight on it. Keep your voice steady if you can. Don't give your man the chance to dismiss your fears as hysterical or paranoid. You may want to have a counselling session already in place before you confront him, so you two can go directly to it as couple, or you can go on your own.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Well, excuse me, but when did it become so important for a woman to go out and work when she has three kids who need her at home? We can't afford daycare for our mob and I make a lot more money than she does because I'm in sales. She wants to go to back to working in a freaking drugstore and farm the littlest ones out to somebody in the mornings. She says they need to mix with other kids. Why? They have each other and they like to play with each other. -- Upset Husband. Tuxedo

Dear Husband: Turn things around. If your wife had the better-paying job and she expected you to stay home with three kids 24/7, how would you feel? You'd go nuts, and you know it. It's hard to have pre-schoolers as your only companions without feeling starved for adult conversation and interaction. You're the major adult in her world and you're an emotional one. She needs neutral business thought process and pleasant talk with customers for balance to her life. That'll make her a happier mom and a better wife to you. People have adult needs besides sex and money, and a hard-working spouse can't fill all those needs.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I saw Ricky Martin talking about coming out of the closet -- and he was so happy to be free to be himself with his two kids and the world. I was disgusted -- with myself. How do I find the guts to come out when I am so alone with my secret? I can't date or marry a woman, and I am not out in the gay world to meet men. -- Desperately Lonely, Westwood.

Dear Desperately: First, call the gay and lesbian anonymous line staffed by counsellors on weekday evenings 6-9 p.m. at Rainbow Resource Centre (284-5208). Ask about "coming out" counselling, individual counselling and support groups. Also inquire about ways to integrate into the gay community, and all the other issues that concern you. For a full listing of what Rainbow Resource offers, see website www.rainbowresourcecentre.org

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition May 20, 2011 D3

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