DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been dating a nice new guy with a cute giggle, but he has never really belly-laughed since I met him. He doesn't go to movies much, but a week ago he and I went with another couple and I found out why. His laugh is really loud and weird. I pointed out, over three or four rums at my house, he sounded a lot like a loon on the lake at my parents cabin . I thought I was being cute about it. He got really mad and said my jaw makes clicking sounds when I chew. So then, I told him he walks like a duck with his feet pointed out. He said he's noticed I'm pigeon-toed and walk like I have a stick up my (bad word). But then he got real ugly with me. He told me he doesn't mind that I'm "oversexed." So I informed him I've had to fake my orgasms with him since we started sleeping together. He got up, struggled to put on his shoes, opened the door and slammed it behind him so it rattled. I thought I loved the guy, but now I don't know. What should I do? -- Spoiled Love? The Maples
Dear Spoiled: Arguments that are extremely personal and insulting, happen from time to time in marriages, especially if people drink too much. But, with so much at stake, and children to take care of, the couple think it's worth trying to work things out. But, this is a new guy for you. You don't have years of good times to outweigh the insults. You're not likely going to hear from this guy again, and it's doubtful you should run after him. or next time, remember it's pointless to criticize a person over personal quirks they can't change like a laugh or their gait. It only makes them self-conscious and worried about being around you. And, telling your boyfriend you've been faking it with him is a big sexual downer and creates a lack of trust. Consider apologizing for getting drunk and being a jerk, so you're not enemies, and letting him go.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend of nine months -- this is our first summer -- is a big baby and won't come in the water at the lake. We swim off the dock and I want him to come in and enjoy the water with me. I threw him a life preserver and told him to wear that. Then he could swim out to the floating dock with me. He says he will "drown" and for me to "get off his back." Last night in bed he told me he had a near-drowning experience in a deep lake as a child. I feel bad for him he's so scared of water, but it still doesn't compute that he should never get in the lake again. I am a lake person through and through. Everybody in our crowd thinks it's weird about him at his age. They swim and sail and the whole bit. He just sits there on the dock dangling his feet in the water. I feel embarrassed that he's turned out to be such a big wuss and have told him he needs to see a shrink. What do you think? -- Waterbaby, Lake of the Woods
Dear Waterbaby: Let's hear another big chorus of "Me, me, meeee!" Where's the love and understanding here? Your guy is nervous about water in a deep lake without a beach where he can wade in, and his reasons are understandable. Then man doesn't know how to swim at all and he doesn't want to wear a life jacket in front of the guys, now that he's a grown man. How about you back off and let him alone to enjoy chatting with people nearby without pointing out the fact that he can't swim? If you're on the young side, and it sounds like you are, maybe it's time to move on. You're status with your friends means more than showing understanding to your boyfriend. If he wants to get over this trauma, he may need a psychologist and private one-on-one swimming lessons with a specialist in teaching people who are terrified of water. Most pools are connected to private swimming teachers. Taunting him will not help him make those moves. But, that shouldn't be the pre-requisite for his being your boyfriend.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been seeing a woman, who isn't the love of my life, for 26 years, behind my wife's back. My wife, who is the love of my life, doesn't enjoy sex. I think she has some inkling about the other woman, but maybe she likes me to get it elsewhere and leave her alone sexually. Anyway, now my wife wants separate bedrooms and that is kind of like the last loving physical link. We always cuddle at night. She doesn't even want to hold me anymore, even though I make no demands. That really hurts. What should I say to her? -- Very Sad, North End
Dear Sad: Something has shifted. Maybe she just found out, for sure, who it is and where you go for sex. Perhaps she needs your financial support and she doesn't want to break up the family, but she's had enough of being the cuckolded wife. Maybe it's snoring. Or she could just want an end to the pressure when she goes to bed with you. Long shot: Maybe she has a lover of her own now! You really think she hasn't known you see another woman? It's time for a long overdue talk and this may be her way of opening the truth-telling and negotiations.What she may be saying is "we can't go on like this." Seriously consider couples counselling.
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