DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife says I'm a lousy kisser after eight years of marriage, two kids, and pretty good sex. What's that about? It used to be she couldn't get enough of my kissin' and lovin' and NOW she's telling me I'm no good? So I told her the truth. Her butt does look fat in those designer jeans she just bought for more than $200. And now we're at a standoff. I'm insulted and she's mad. Nobody can do anything right around here anymore. Last night I went to the bar with my best friend and he told me he and his wife hadn't had sex for seven months since the baby was born. I guess I shouldn't complain but I need to know how to fix this problem at home. Give me some advice, please. -- Totally Bummed, West Kildonan
Dear Bummed: When a man's kisses stop feeling good and start feeling icky it's usually because the woman has lost her warm feeling towards him. Then the kiss lands on her lips, like so many facial parts. When she's hot for YOU as a person, she's thinking about how great it is to kiss lovable YOU, a guy she respects and desires. Now she's very turned off about something or a series of things, and your kisses feel weird to her. That's how women are. You need to have a heart-to-heart and find out what she's resentful about in the marriage and do what you can to retract the part about her fat behind. Tell her it's the last thing you really think, and you were just looking for an insult to hurt her back and you saw that one on TV. Good luck with that fib.
Dear Miss Loneyhearts: I got a present of stockings and a garter belt from my girlfriend which really shocked me. How did she know about my secret? She saw my eyes and saw me touching the silky stuff and said she just "knew" I wanted to be feminized and she was the woman to do it. I was embarrassed because it is a deep fantasy of mine, one that I'm embarrassed about, but want to do every once in a while. I've never told her about it. That means someone else did. The only person who could have done that was my ex-girlfriend and what would they have been doing talking together? I asked my new girl where she found out and she finally admitted she got an email from my ex which was sarcastic about me and mentioned my fetish. My new girlfriend turned it around and made it into fantasy night for me and that's why I love her so much I want to marry her. What, if anything, should we do about the email witch? I just feel like sticking it to her. -- So Mad.
Dear Mad: This has to stop. You dodged this sniper attack. But, you need to make sure your ex doesn't see you two as a target anymore. Your girlfriend should be the one who emails, and she should say, "Thanks for the hot tip. We had a wonderful time trying this out. I can take it from here. Don't write again. Bye-bye." Then both of you block her email address, so she can't get through.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Every time we go to a dance club my girlfriend, who's 22, puts on a show. All the guys want to get with her, and she dances with them in a very suggestive manner. By the end of the night I feel about six inches tall. She hardly knows I'm there. She doesn't drink but she gets really high in the bathroom on something and you should see her dance moves. Now all she wants to do Friday and Saturday is to go out dancing. But I'm just treated like the chauffeur who gets her there and takes her home. By the time we get home after a night like that, I'm not up for much sex, but she's primed for action. We got a real problem because I love her when she's at home and not out showing off, but there's a whole other side to her I don't understand on the weekends. -- Not Her Prince, Downtown
Dear Not Her Prince: You've got half a match, and that's not enough. Your lady is only 22 and she's doing drugs in the bathroom you don't dare ask about. At the clubs you barely exist for her and you don't want to have sex when you get home. Monday begins, and you start trying to build things back at home. You may be king of the castle Wednesday and Thursday and then you're back down there near the ground Carrying the Princess's train as she enters the dance club. Take back your power. Find an all-week girlfriend who's more loving.
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