Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Better meet bio-mom/sister in person to really talk

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 18 and just found out the person I called mom all my life is not my mother. She's actually my grandmother and my sister who's is 15 years older is my bio-mom. I'm in shock. I have always been close to my older mom and never guessed for one minute my older sister had even had a pregnancy. She is 33 now. I was always told I was the "luxury" baby, the big surprise. Now I know why my big sister moved out and never came home much after she was 15. I don't have any other siblings. I can guess why. My younger "mother" lives in another province and has her own little kids. My "mother" says my "sister" is willing to come back to Winnipeg and talk about it or we could all talk on Skype. What do you think? -- All Mixed Up, Winnipeg

 

Dear Mixed up: This is so important emotionally it's best to speak in person so you can see each other's eyes and read each other's faces and communicate. Skyping is for easy times. You can't hug a screen if you need to embrace or forgive or cry together. Make a list of questions you want to ask when she comes so you don't get overwhelmed and then find you missed a bunch. You might also want some time together to talk away from your older mom's presence. Your bio-mom may want to tell you about her pregnancy and the feelings she had and your other "real" mom may be an impediment to her telling the whole truth. Be considerate of the woman who has raised you all these years and loves you as a child, not a grandchild. Be mindful of how scared she might be that you will reject her, and want to go live with our bio-mother.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a big fist fight at school and I hit a girl my own age but much bigger. I'm a good fighter and I won. I got into trouble with the principal but was let go because I got in the fight defending someone who was being bullied. I didn't feel one bit sorry. I have to admit to you it felt good to hit the bully. I know hitting should not feel so good, but I think of it over and over and I get a thrill. Am I a weirdo? -- Newbie To Violence, Winnipeg

 

Dear Newbie: The thrill will wear off. It's not the preferred way to settle problems, but it may have been your last resort. Hopefully the bully will back off this particular person now. What you can take away from this diminishing thrill is the knowledge that you might like tougher contact sports like boxing, wrestling, hockey, hitting a baseball, and racquet sports. That's healthy way to hit hard, release tension and feel a thrill.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm super stressed and everybody knows it. I've secretly begun taking pills which calm me down.. Although I'm nicer to my wife and kids I 'm too calm to want to do anything much after supper except watch TV, be pleasant and sleep. I used to be a tiger in the sack and now I don't care. I'm taking a common sedative and don't know what I should do. I don't want to lose my sex life and my love life with my wife, but I just don't seem to care all that much on the pills. -- Tiger at bay, Fort Garry

 

Dear Tiger: De-stress with yoga, which will make you even more flexible and fit for the sack. Learn meditation skills to train your mind to let go and give yourself breaks during the day. This might be better for you than medicating your sex life away. Do research of your own on natural therapies and talk to your doctor. Don't go off those pills cold turkey whatever you do. Big question: Is it really necessary to make yourself run so hard on the hamster wheel? Why are you doing that? The serious answer to that will be extremely helpful. Ponder that question, sleep on it and see what is revealed.

 

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6, or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

 

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition May 11, 2011 D4

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