Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Booty call or just platonic lunch?

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Why do men call their old girlfriend for lunch and call it "just lunch." If it's just eating with company, why do they need to do that? -- Unhappy Wife, 47

Dear Unhappy: The possibilities are many -- ego boost, platonic visit/update, sexual titillation, rattle the cage to see if they've still "got it," revenge for rejection by you. Sometimes an old girlfriend calls the man -- she needs help, wants sex, or just had a whim to see him. Worst case scenario? She's still in love with him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband, who was always an atheist, recently joined my church. He made a private vow of transparency and honesty and decided to unburden himself. He took me out to dinner, and ruined our marriage. I always knew he was a bad-boy type before I married him but I didn't know everything he'd done. He told me he had sex for the first time at 13 with his babysitter and that he made out with several of his cousins in the small town where they lived. Worst, he used prostitutes infrequently for a certain type of sex throughout his 20s -- until he met me. Let us be clear. I have never used birth control with him. I had my tubes tied early and he didn't want to have children either. So now here I am, lost! I am ashamed to be with him. I don't want to have sex and he doesn't know how I could be so cruel now that he has made his humble confession to me. Please help us. -- Looking at a Stranger, Wpg.

Dear Looking: This is the same guy you married. The only difference is he's letting you see his former life. But you two need counselling more than you need your next breath. Let's look at three things: 1) No doubt the babysitter would be older than he was and she seduced him. That's not his fault and he deserves your sympathy; 2) As for the cousins, it's not considered incest to fool around with a cousin. In fact, first cousins can legally marry in Manitoba, but most people still frown on it; 3) The prostitutes are a more serious issue. Get yourself tested so you know you're free of sexually transmitted infections. Do you believe he's been faithful since he met you? Has he been tested? If so, can you see the results? He should be tested again so you can see new results. Then there's the unusual sexual activity. Is it something you do with him or would want to? If not, are you worried he will go to a prostitute again? This situation is upsetting, but not all bad. With this info out on the table, you can understand the reformed bad boy you picked and make informed choices. It took a lot of courage for him to tell you.

Questions or comments? Email Miss Lonelyhearts at lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition May 10, 2010 D8

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