DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have convinced my wife there's no harm in being weekend nudists at our "private" bay on a lake north of the Trans-Canada Highway (not telling which one). We spent a good three weekends totally enjoying our new lifestyle. Then some neighbours from down the lake came by in a boat and discovered us on the dock, starkers. We explained what we were doing, and asked for their co-operation in calling before making a visit. We could tell they were annoyed. Now suddenly we have daily boats drifting up near our dock from down the lake. Why should we put our clothes back on? This was a mostly private bay until the word got out. Now we're a damn tourist attraction. -- To Dress or Not to Dress, Whiteshell
Dear To Dress or Not: Be nude outside at quiet hours of the day, always swim in the nude since no one can see you in the water, and dress up for visiting hours. You know when the gang of gawkers drifts by and when they don't. So don't put yourselves on tourist display when everybody's out from mid-morning to mid-afternoon cocktail hour -- 3 p.m. at most lakes. The sun's likely to burn your bare skin at those hours anyway.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife's parents sleep in the neighbouring bedroom to us at the lake. I'm a light sleeper. My wife sleeps likes the dead. What she doesn't hear is her parents making out every night before they go to sleep. I sleep nearest the wall and don't miss a thing. It's only two-bedroom cabin; and we have no kids yet. This is really creepy for me, though I've developed a kind of morbid fascination for what they're going to try next. They are an enthusiastic pair. My wife and I, on the other hand, have no fun at the lake because my wife doesn't want her parents to hear us. Ironic, I know. I don't want to shock my wife with the details of her parents' sex life, but I can't take much more of this. What to do? -- Sleepless and Sexless, Lake of the Woods
Dear S and S: If you're going to share in this cabin situation, you need to pony up for a little guest cabin at the back of the property. Either do that or rent your own place nearby. Otherwise you're going to continue to have a lousy time at the lake. Your wife's a big girl now, so talk to her. You can be blunt about the problem, while sparing her the dirty details. Your wife may want to advise her mother that it's time you two built a guest cabin, or rented so you can get some sleep and have a marriage. No one is going to fight you over this. The older couple don't want to feel self-conscious about having fun in their own cabin, and the only way they're going to get grandchildren is for you two to feel free to get busy.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My professional wife wants to be the boss in all matters except in bed and then she wants me to do all the work. I married her partly because she was so proactive in bed, had lots of ideas, and I thought I was in for a life of sexual excitement. Now she just wants to kind of lie down on the job. How do I get my "bride" back? She says she's too tired from running everything and shlepping the kids and doing so much work all evening. That's the cost of making big double incomes, I guess. Any suggestions? ---- Lots of Money, Little Lust, North Kildonan
Dear Lots: Listen to your wife; she's telling you her powerful motor can't run at bedtime if it's totally out of gas. In the good old romantic days when she had lots of energy to direct things in the bedroom she didn't have kids and housework and a job, plus you. Since you both have extra money, hire a housecleaning service and a person to come and cook a week's worth of meals and do the laundry. You can supplement that with barbecues and home-cooked meals whenever you have lots of energy. Hire a lawn service and you've freed up another whack of energy. The good thing about a double-income household is that you can throw money at problems like this. Lucky you!
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