DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS; My fiancé's ex-wife has asked me to speak with her confidentially about abuse. I immediately told my man. He said, "Don't talk to that psychobitch or I will never talk to you again." Something in my gut says maybe I should talk to her, and my mom is urging me to. What do you think? -- Tempted, Winnipeg
Dear Tempted: Talk to her. Twenty minutes with a person's ex who's mentioning the five-alarm ABUSE word, makes sense. If your ex had nothing to hide, he wouldn't have threatened you. The phone is close enough -- no need for face to face -- and put your mom on the other line as a witness. Ask about abuse -- the degree of it and when it started (some men are princes until after they marry you), drug and alcohol addiction, verbal abuse, gambling, treatment of his own children and any step-children, possessiveness, control and money issues. This may be a courageous thing his ex is doing or a pack of lies. But you can't afford to ignore this offer.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm 26 and a virgin. I just had a year of therapy and I'm feeling good about myself finally. My whole body seems to be turning on, and I'm feeling aroused every day. I want to try out SEX, and frankly I don't care about waiting for love first. I look around at the university, and at my waitressing job and I don't know what kind of man I am even looking for. I mentally undress everybody on the bus searching for the kind of man that will make my gut flip over. I want my first lover to be great, though not necessarily my final lover. My mother married the first guy she ever had sex with and regretted it. I fantasize about Lenny Kravitz at night. Is that a clue? Is that the type for me? -- New At Sexuality, U of W
Dear New at Sexuality: Let's take your Lenny Kravitz example, and analyze the components: physicality, image and personality, so you can look for someone comparable here. Why do so many women find that man hot? First, he decorates his body like an African warrior. He's half-black, half white and physically exotic, yet North American in his thinking. Big head, lots going on upstairs, sexy songs, sensual lips, wears mysterious glasses -- vulnerable photosensitive eyes and not a big talker. Great musculature -- you've probably seen his bare bottom pictures online -- so its not surprising you suspect he's very sexual. Then, there's the way he emotes freely, in songs about love. Realistically you're not going to find Lenny at U of W, but you could find a guy who's the same basic type -- musical, artistic, works out at the gym, curly hair, wears wool hats, confident demeanour, a performer, maybe dark-skinned, raised North American. So... in your search for lust/love get involved with musical and/or drama events at school, volunteer at the Winnipeg Folk Festival, the fringe festival and Folklorama. Learn how to play an instrument. You'll find a musician type soon enough.
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