Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Don't put up a fake fight to save your 'fake' marriage

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm so mad I can't even see straight and tears are falling all over the keyboard. During my whole marriage of 18 years I stayed away from an affair with the true love of my life -- a married man who's well-known in Winnipeg. We always had lunch once a month and he always asked for more, but never touched, except for a hug good-bye. He would sometimes beg me at lunch to spend intimate time with him again -- even just one evening of lovemaking like we used to do. But, like a good wife, I have always said, "No, I am married to a good man. " . . .Well guess what I found out? In a fight at the cabin last weekend my husband drank so much he blurted out he's never trusted that I've stayed away from my old love, so he had "a thing" that lasted, get this, SEVEN years. It just ended and he's feeling distraught over her, now that the fun's over and all he's left with is "searing pain." Awww. He told me he doesn't really love ME anymore and he's still in love with her, and she's single. For this I stayed true to him? I should have been having great sex for the last 18 years with my lover because I am accused of it anyway! I want to go straight to my old lover's arms and make love with him! Yet, I know he's never going to leave his wife because she's not well and his kids think he's a hero. I want some advice because I am so messed up. -- Wrecked Wife

Dear Wrecked: "It's not my fault I cheated; it's yours" was the drunken message. There might something to that for your husband-of-convenience. You will probably leave this marriage because he doesn't want it now (and he might get the single woman back if he leaves you.) But how bad is this for you, really? Think about it. You have never let go of your affair guy emotionally, and you saw him all that time, talking intimately, sharing your lives. It may be that distance your husband felt all these years. There are more ways to cheat than having intercourse. You loved the other guy romantically, had a romantic lunch with him once a month throughout your whole marriage, where he'd beg to make love to you. That's sexy stuff. Then you'd have a big hug that probably went much longer than a three second "'see ya" squeeze. So, you will end up single again and maybe your lover will eventually be single as well. Or perhaps you'll find a guy much like the man you love and fall for him. The marriage you have had for 18 years was always a fake one, certainly on your side, so don't put up a fake fight for it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I kicked my brother in the butt and he kicked me in the nards. What he did hurt way more than what I did. My mother expects us to say sorry to one other and we're not even talking. What do you think we should do? I'm 11 and he's 13. -- Not Apologizing, Winnipeg Beach, Mb.

Dear Not Apologizing: You can apologize to your brother "for starting the fight" and then tell him he can say sorry to you for "kicking you where it hurts the worst." Then your mother is satisfied and you have not apologized for anything you don't want to apologize for. Sometimes half-apologies can be made to smooth over a fight, and both parties know it. Believe me, you don't want to remain enemies with your brother who probably loves you deeper than any friend The apology is simply the bridge that allows you to be friends again, though somewhat cooler for awhile until you get over this fight.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition August 17, 2011 D5

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