Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Explain complexities of affair to your child

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Fireworks is the best way to describe the relationship with my man. Well, he's almost my man, except for his wife who's sick in the head. I feel sorry for her -- she's out of it. But I am not going to stop seeing her husband if I burn in hell, and I might because I'm Catholic. I'm not sorry about my relationship with him. My husband was mean to me and I had no life and no sex so I left him after almost nine years, but who's counting? My lover will not leave his wife because he is a good man, but what's the harm in his getting a little loving and appreciation from me? Mostly his wife shrieks at him. I have seen her and she looks scary to me. Sometimes I worry she will come over to "get" me, but he swears she doesn't know about me. My problem is this. My kid found out about my love affair and she is not happy. She has told her dad and now he threatens to make trouble for me. What should I do to protect myself? Don't tell me to stop seeing this guy because that won't happen in a million years. -- In Love Forever, Downtown

Dear In Love: Your child does not understand the complexities of adult relationships, and is understandably upset with you for cheating with this man. Since the cat is out of the bag, you must now explain those complexities as best you can -- and more info is better than less right now, since you don't plan to break off with this fellow. Things to try to explain to her: If a person is in a relationship with a wife who's mentally and/or physically ill he may make choices that are not popular with society, like having an affair. He may still love the memory of what and who she was. He may also love you too. Certainly it is a great relief to him to have someone who still shows love to him in his life. As for protection, you have his word that his wife doesn't know you exist, for what that's worth. He is still a guy who cheats and you have to take that into consideration even if you feel his situation warrants it. You'd better get a good lock system on your door and watch over your shoulder. One last thing for you to digest -- he may still love her, even if his physical passion and friendship is with you. It's possible to love two people at once.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just spit in my boss's face and walked out. I came home and a few minutes ago, the big boss phoned to say he wants me back. I won't come back to a supervisor who calls people racist names, but I need the work. I don't know what to do now. It wasn't a great job but it was an OK job, but it gave me a stomach ache thinking about going to work every day. -- What To Do? Elmwood

Dear What: The kind of stress you are talking about is killer stress -- the feeling of dread every day, your nervous system on high alert, too much adrenalin popping off. You are best to find a different job ---- and try to get a hold on that spitting camel act. That's the kind of thing,, an insult to the face, that can inspire someone to punch you out. You're better off without this job and this stress, but the sooner you look for a new job, the better. Taking a holiday after losing a job often causes people to slide into negativity, and sometimes depression so get right back on it and ask your big boss, who doesn't want you to go, for a good reference. Also tell him you'd consider coming back if he got rid of the racist bully.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition November 16, 2011 C4

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