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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION
Find a job, make money, stand up to little dictator
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I love my husband but I hate his "executive assistant." It makes me livid that she picks up his dry cleaning and makes him lattes, and does all the things liberated women were supposed to stop doing in such positions. When he comes home, my husband expects me to run and do his other errands, iron his shirts, clean everything, get his sports car washed, cook all the food for the family. Why? Because he "brings home the bacon" and he's told me that in those exact words... I am not his $%#& executive-assistant and I am not even his friend anymore, though we have maintenance sex. He goes out whenever he wants and stays out until late, no questions asked or he blows up. He walks around here like a little dictator and treats our 10- and 12-year-old children like little soldiers. I left a big career to be his wife, you know. Before he had this hot-looking assistant who kowtowed to him, he was tolerable. Now he expects everyone to jump like the one he pays $60,000 in salary. What can I do to regain my power when she's spoiling him rotten and who knows what else? Don't suggest I tell him to fire her. He'd leave me before he'd fire her. -- Know My Place, Southdale
Dear Know My Place: Money talks and so does lack of money. What lack of your own money says to some people is you don't have the same status and the same rights as they do. And if they pay the whole bill for you, they are the ultimate boss of your life. My guess is your husband makes pretty decent money, BUT you need to go back to work and make your own money and regain your own power. Other women do, and so can you after 10-12 years at home -- especially when you have an inkling (see your last line) he's attached to his EA in more spots than one. Can you get back into your career or something related? Once you are well-ensconced in your job, you can decide if you want to live with the little dictator, make new rules or have you own household. At that point of financial independence, you will never again say you "know your place."
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just read about the single mom who doesn't get help from the child's father because of a verbal agreement not to seek money from the dad. This lady is entitled to some financial support. My ex gave me a letter in writing when we split years ago, then later she went for child support. (I had the kids half time, so it's not as if I was a deadbeat dad). I showed the letter to my lawyer and the response I got was: "You cannot sign away someone else's rights." I'm not the deadbeat dad and I hate hearing about those who are. I mean, take some responsibilty for your kids! Good luck to her. -- Proud Papa, Winnipeg
Dear Papa: You get it, but a lot of people miss the point of support, and it becomes a control issue. So, listen up, people. The support you pay comes back to you a million times in love and meaningful connection with your child. It comes back in respect and admiration, with the kids modelling themselves after your honourable character. Support often means your child has better food to wear, clothes he can be proud to wear, and toys like the other kids have. Support can also mean the difference between living in a safe neighbourhood or the 'hood with gangs in the street and waiting at the nearest school to recruit him. Support is for the betterment of the life of the child you created with another person and it's worth a lot.
lovecoach@hotmail.com
Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition March 29, 2011 D3
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