Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Forget boyfriend's previous lovers, enjoy him yourself

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 29 and just met my first boyfriend (he's 31) last summer. Everything is just going so well between us. The only thing I can't get out of my head is the number of women he's slept with. The number would be high because his longest relationship is only six months and he's been sexually active since he was 15. I was a virgin until I met him. I don't want this idea to ruin our relationship since we have such a strong connection and he has been so truthful and nice to me. Can you please help me? Am I crazy? -- Questioning, South End

Dear Questioning: You can't show up to play in the third inning and expect the other players on the team not to have been playing since the game started. For your boyfriend, the dating game started way back in 1994. Fifteen is a normal start point. Don't wreck things for yourself by being negative and critical about his life pattern. Consider yourself lucky to have someone as your first lover who knows what he's doing, and isn't a young fumbler. Don't start calling him names by inferring he's had too many women, and, whatever you do, don't push for a past lovers number -- that's a huge mistake for anyone! Your only concern with this man should be health and safety. He should get tested, though it's not really health you're worried about. You're jealous of the other women he knew and you picture them in bed, right? Fight that nonsense in your head with all your might. He has chosen you and he's more mature than he's ever been at this point. Hit the trust button, and you may stay together forever. You've already beaten out the longest relationship he's had by a month.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: For the past 12 years I've been unable to stop thinking about someone. Every day I think about how much better my life would have been if we'd gotten together. This woman seems to be my dream girl. She's absolutely beautiful, sincere and genuine. My biggest regret in life has been not asking her out when I was single At least that way the "what if" question might have been answered. The biggest problem is that I can't stop thinking about her. She is married, as am I. How do I get past being hung up on this woman I don't even know very well.? -- Messed up in the Head, Winnipeg

Dear Messed: Fixating for 12 years on a dream girl you never even dated when you had a chance is a waste of your life on Earth. She may be nothing like what you imagine, if you actually went out together. Here's a consolation: You may admire her but you are not "in love' with her, because being in love requires you know a person to a depth. Lightbulb! How can she be so fresh in your mind, unless you work with her? Do you? If this is a work crush, there may be more to it than speculation. But, if you're just going by memory these last 12 years, even running into her might be enough of a disappointment to shut this obsession right down. Please write back and tell me more detail.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 29, 2010 D6

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