DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We went to the lake last weekend and got a big surprise. My ex-wife was among the invited guests at our neighbour's cabin right next door. The woman I subsequently married was with me, and the two women had never met. I'm not proud to admit I cheated on my ex-wife with this woman I married. I should also mention my ex is an alcoholic. The two cabins got to drinking and my ex-wife wandered over into our yard. She was loaded for bear. She went straight up to my new wife and said, "There's been something l've been wanting to tell you for a long time. Then she called her a &$*#*, threw a drink in her face said, "and that's not all you're going go to get." I ran after my crying wife. We got in the car 15 minutes later to go home. Before we left, I stopped in front of this cabin, found my ex laughing by the fire and telling her big ass story. I said to her in front of everyone, "Now everybody knows how violent and vulgar you are when you're drunk, and that's why I left you. Don't come anywhere near us again." She said, "You'll both pay for this!" What should I do about this threat? -- Sickened By Her Threat, Winnipeg
Dear Sickened: Call your lawyer and discuss what would be best. It is illegal to utter threats, but these are rather weak and undefined threats. She may have forgotten them by morning since she's alcoholic. Perhaps a stiffly-worded letter from your lawyer would be enough. If you are still close with any ex-family you might mention she's going over the top and someone needs to get her into rehab before she gets herself in trouble with the law. Let them know you will prosecute if she gives you any trouble at all.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have three ex-husbands. I know that will sound disgusting to many of your readers but I waited and married every man before I had sex with him as that is part of my religious belief. The first husband was 19 and that didn't last a whole year, the second was at age 26 and he was terrible in bed -- a great guy but so bad and clumsy in bed I slept on the sofa most of the time to stay away from him. My third husband I met in my early 30s and we did pretty well and had kids and everything, though the sex was never good. He became bipolar and it was too much for all of us to handle. He went back to his province, and now I'm legally free again. But, I'm a triple divorcée which looks very bad on paper. Lots of women have had way more men than that. My number is three. But someone else could have sex with 65 guys and not marry them and it would sound better than my track record. Should I keep it quiet when I meet a guy? -- Triple Loser? Outside Winnipeg
Dear Triple: Well, it shouldn't be your opening line in any conversation. You're a little like Elizabeth Taylor who married every man she ever slept with. Maybe, don't get married the fourth time because you really like a guy and want to find out what it's like to make love with him. That hasn't worked. Maybe you should try something different. Weigh the problem with the guilt against the larger problem of multiple divorces and all the pain that brings. You might want to find out what the whole relationship would be like in all aspects, before you marry again -- and I predict you will.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I took a beautiful woman's name and phone number at a bar to call her, and when I got home my wife saw me trying to get rid of it in my den garbage. She said, "What's that?" It was on a tiny piece of paper no bigger than a quarter, so I said, "It's just a piece of gum and stuck it in my mouth." She stood there and watched me try to chew that paper for what seemed like forever. Finally, I went to the bathroom and flushed it. She didn't say much because in 2007 I caught her in a brief affair. We got counselling for it but recently things have gone bad again, this time for me. I feel she owes me one, to be honest. What are your thoughts? -- Novice Cheater, Brandon
Dear Novice: You certainly are a beginner. Champion cheaters memorize numbers. Look, your wife doesn't "owe you" a brief hall pass or an affair. You've had counselling, are back together and supposedly working on the relationship. But you're still mad and unhappy, and secretly vindictive. You could go back for more counselling since things have grown cold again, or call it quits. This charade of taking numbers of women to call, when you're supposed to be working on healing a marriage, is a waste of your time and hers. If you want to be free, get out of the marriage.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6, or email firstname.lastname@example.org