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Help her dress for success

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: The girlfriend I had before was into costumes and role-playing. She had costumes for me to wear at her studio and she'd just lay one out on the sofa, if she were in the mood for a scene. I have a theatre background, too, so I could easily get into a role like a firefighter, military man, vampire, cowboy, even a lion once. She dumped me during the fringe for an actor she met there. I, too, have found a new girlfriend but she's not into scenes. "Love me just the way I am," is her credo, and that bores me and, frankly, makes me feel put-down. She is fun and intelligent and beautiful and I really like her a lot, but I miss my exciting old sex life. Am I ruined for anything but this play-acting sex now? Doesn't that fetish cut out most of the population? -- Bored Senseless By Plain Sex

Dear Bored: The outlook is not as bleak as you may think as women are often much more experimental than men, once they get going. They don't have to get past the feeling of being unmasculine if they get dressed up. The woman you like so much deserves a chance to play -- with a subtle intro to it. You must find her a costume that makes her feel wonderful. Halloween is coming -- a good excuse for tapping into fantasies about figures people would like to play for a short time. Throw a costume party this year and involve your new lady in making the invitations and telling people about dressing up. Ask her to make a list of costume suggestions and see what she picks in her Top 10. Party stores often have illustrated pull-out costume brochures with suggestions, and online sellers show modelled costumes, so prep for the party by showing her everything available and watching to see when her eyes lights up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I don't know if I'm in love or in lust, and it's tearing me apart. I met the other woman at a church conference and I fell deeply for her. Though we never had sex, we were at each other's sides all weekend, held hands, stared deeply into each other's eyes and kissed before we parted. The kiss went on forever. Since I've been back I can't stop contacting her, and we Skype. We also have cybersex. I have erotic dreams, and I'm ashamed to say I replace my wife's face on the pillow with the new woman's face, when making love at home. Ironically, my wife and I are having a lot more sex because I'm so stimulated, and she thinks it's great. I know secret-keeping is a big dishonesty but it would kill my wife to know. The woman I worship lives in another province and she's now separated and available. Am I "in love" with her? I know I love my wife, but we married so young (my first love) and are boring together. I am obsessed body and soul by this other woman. What should I do? -- Tempted to Run to Her

Dear Tempted: Turn it around. If your wife were having an emotional/erotic affair with a guy, what would you want her to do? Continue play-acting and hiding it from you so it wouldn't "kill" you? Or, tell you what's happening? When you don't know there's another person in the picture, it's a growing disease in your marriage that you have no power to fight, because you don't know it's lurking. Most people would opt for knowing. Maybe your wife would like to fight for you, or kick you out and have an equal chance to find someone who adores her. Online affairs, especially those that started off like yours -- in the flesh -- do count as real affairs.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6, or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition September 18, 2011 A15

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