Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

He's not your boyfriend; he's just a lousy sex partner

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend will very seldom kiss me or hug me. We've been dating about a year-and-a-half and in that time he has maybe given me five or six real kisses, never passionate. For the most part we just peck quickly on the lips. Sometimes I go up to him to give him a hug, and he pulls away from me. If I tell him it hurts me when he does that, he just gets mad at me. We don't see each other very often but when we do, we have sex. There's no kissing during sex and not a whole lot of touching on his part. He has a lot of female friends and he has no problem giving them hugs and he's always the one who initiates. It makes me jealous because I think there has only been a few times that he has wanted to put his arms around me. When I go to him to give him a hug, he acts like I'm diseased. Why do you think he does this? Do you think he just doesn't like to hug and kiss but feels obligated to do so with other people but he can be more himself with me? Or do you think he just does not like me very much? -- Feeling Unwanted, Winnipeg

Dear Unwanted: Why have you stayed with this cold fish? Do you just want to be able to say you have a boyfriend? Bad news. You don't have a real one. You just have a sex partner (and not a good one) you see once in a while. And, you're keeping yourself off the market because of him. Almost 100 per cent of men would be more affectionate with their girlfriend than this. This is harmful for your self-esteem and your mood, and it can't be any fun. You could do so much better. You need a REAL boyfriend -- someone who cares about you as a person, loves to hold you, touch you, kiss you and caress you. Please write back and tell me why you stayed. This is important homework. You need to think hard about this. Counselling is also in order, and in this city it's available in all prices from zero cost at Klinic's walk-in and up to $200 an hour for some psychologists (which are often covered by group insurance at workplaces.) Psychiatrists are free, although you need a physician's referral and there's a long waiting list for non-emergencies.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: You'll probably take some flak for your response to Just Wondering, who had consensual sex with a man who begged her until he wore her down; but not from me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this plain-spoken, no-nonsense response! The fact that a woman has regrets afterwards doesn't mean it was rape. The fact that a woman finds it difficult to live with the self-image of being the kind of person who has pity sex with losers doesn't make it rape. IMHO, it isn't rape unless she honestly, truly, had no choice in the matter. -- Fairness and Clarity, Winnipeg

Dear Fairness: This young woman had a man begging her for sex. He didn't force her. Rather than asking him to leave and showing him the door, she walked him down the hallway to her bedroom and had sex with him because she felt sorry for him. She called it charity sex. Afterwards, she wished she hadn't. That is not rape. She should have picked up his jacket, told him in a firm and friendly way it was time to go home, and walked to the door and opened it.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition October 25, 2011 C3

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