DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife came home with a suitcase full of sex toys and stuff from a trip to the States with her girlfriends. I don't know why she needs fake parts when she has me, her man of 14 years. I am well-equipped and fully functional. I feel embarrassed and insulted when she brings out her new stash of stuff and wants me to play. I am a man, not a customer in a sex shop, yet she's trying to demonstrate these buzzing things and asking me to put batteries in for her. We never needed any of this crap before, so she must be feeling bored. Last night I just looked at her, peddling all this stuff on the bed to me, and felt disgusted. I picked up my pillow and walked into the living room to sleep on the couch. I am an experienced man, not a college boy, and she should respect that, and I still have options, but she doesn't know that. -- Door is Opening, Ft. Richmond
Dear Door: So, these purchases give you the excuse to go calling on another woman who doesn't have toys in the bedroom? Why? Because you will be a novelty to her and you're... a man. Maybe your wife... a woman... loves you madly but the novelty has gone after 14 years. Is it so bad she's wanting to spice things up to make sex hot and exciting with YOU again? It's not meant as any kind of insult, but an attempt to enhance a relationship she thinks is essentially good. Listen, you can go off and have an affair with a woman who finds you a novelty, but that initial feeling of discovery will wear off with her, too. Then what? Change partners again?
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I used to love everything about my wife. However, I just can't love her anymore. I try and try, but I can't. We have kids together and I don't want to miss out on anything about them. I've asked her to get some "help" but she ignores my requests, yells at me, brings stuff up from more then 10 years ago. Over the holiday, I brought something up from a number of years ago, just as a way of telling a story, and for some reason my wife blurted out. "I just don't think I can rely on anyone for anything!" She meant ME, too. Apparently our entire life together, she has felt this way. I told her how much this upset and hurt me, and she got mad and walked away. I'm devastated, and am ignoring her and soon the yelling will start. As far as I know, neither of us has ever cheated, but her lack of trust has gotten worse and worse. -- Feeling Loveless, Winnipeg
Dear Loveless: Why didn't you reveal to me the comment you made that caused your wife to go ballistic? That would have made this marriage-ending fight more understandable. Your relationship is a car with spinning tires, in three feet of snow. You need to find a third party to pull you out, get you to the garage, thaw out the engine and work on the multiple problems. That means a counsellor -- unless you're really finished and looking for an excuse to leave this woman, which looks likely from the first line of your letter... If that's the case, just tell her you're through and don't waste the money on counselling. Find a place nearby, and share the raising of the children as amicably as you can.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org