DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm terrified of water -- swim like a rock -- and my boyfriend (43 years old) loves to sail and putt around in a little motorboat at his lake half the day. So far, I have managed my anxiety with a life jacket and liquor, but last weekend he wanted me to take off my life jacket and have sex in the boat. I said I wouldn't EVER take off my jacket unless we were on land and he headed the boat home, saying, "Fine, a lot of fun you are." It sounded like the death knell. The lake is everything to him, and it turns out he and his perfect little ex used to enjoy many long hours fooling around in the boat and on out-islands and little beaches. I'm not a fish like her. I adore this man every other way. Now what? -- Unwilling Statistic, Lake of the Woods
Dear Unwilling: Doing the wild thing in a boat is the water man's equivalent of joining the Mile High Club, except you might end up in the Mile Below Club -- not the same thing at all. Know this: Lake types are often connected at the heart to their boats and cottages. If you adore this man and want to be a permanent part of this life, start taking private swimming lessons, pronto, and learn to drive a boat. You may never love it like he does, but you can learn to enjoy life on the water. The life jacket can stay on in the boat, off for beach trysts.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It's almost the end of July and my boyfriend just told me he's been accepted to go away to university in British Columbia in September for grad studies. He didn't just find out; he has known for several months. I feel like someone sucker-punched me! He says he just told me now "so I wouldn't be upset all summer." I feel so disrespected -- and he's not asking me to go with him, either. I've been kept in the dark since end of May. -- Angry Mushroom
Dear Mushroom: He wanted a smooth summer of fun in the sun, so he didn't tell you the truth and suffer your tears, or lose your sexual attention before he was ready to pack. What you're losing, if you wisely punt him before he goes, is a liar (by omission) and a coward. Plus, he's planning to fly solo, because he didn't give you enough time to plan to join him. That's actually not a bad thing, because this guy is not your true love. He doesn't care enough. Whatever you do, don't agree to being true until he finds a new woman in B.C., and then comes home Thanksgiving weekend to give you the "turkey dump."
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm so angry! My neighbour is allowing her teenage louts to park on their front yard, ruining the look of our block and this beautiful neighbourhood. I just rang her doorbell and told her that, and she told me to mind my own business, and slammed the door in my face. Why should I have to live in my backyard all summer to avoid the eyesore next door? -- Furious Neighbour
Dear Furious: Life is too short to fight with these neighbours. Instead of siccing the authorities on her and escalating the war, you could plant a high hedge and block out the view for good. Pretty soon the teenage "kids" will be up and gone, but you'll still want to block the bad vibes that emanate between you and their mom. Don't like hearing their conversations? Play a radio station outside, anything you want at any volume. No doubt they don't want to hear you either.
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