DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Three and a half years ago, I entered into an affair with a man. When I reached out to him on a whim, he told me he was recently separated. We jumped head first into an intense, passionate affair. For the first time in my life, I felt so lucky that someone was so entranced by me, exactly the way I was. While we started discussing how long it would be before I'd be free, my husband found out. For the next three years, until late this past summer, we were on and off. I'm still married to this day. What I did to my husband was indefensible, horrific and devastating. I chose to keep in touch with the other man, never really knowing whether my marriage would stay intact. Now the other man won't talk to me and I'm doing obsessive things like driving past his house. His opinion of me seems to matter more than anything, and I can't accept that I'm not as perfect to him now as I once was. He has moved on. How can I stop doing this to myself? Please help me redirect my thoughts away from him. -- Rejected and Obsessed, Winnipeg
Dear Obsessed: It's time to put yourself into a psychologist's chair to see what's led to all this upsetting behaviour -- for everybody's sake. This hurtful mess -- and your upsetting behaviours -- has much more to do with a situation of not loving yourself, than the status of either man in your life. You were hungry for approval from someone else, got it and lost it, and now it's driving you wild that you fell from grace in the eyes of both men. First, you need to face the fact you never loved the "entranced" man enough to leave your husband. He just served the purpose of making you feel good about yourself. If you could work through your own self-image problems and learn to love and accept yourself, you'd be much happier all round. But, if you can only feel good as long as someone is saying you're wonderful, and you have to have a husband in place no matter what, you'll stay in an extremely insecure state. It's time to get professional help.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man on a dating site a while back, and we seemed to have connected even though it's long distance (a couple of hours) we got to see each other a fair bit, and made an agreement that we'd take our profiles off this site and see where it goes. We also communicated over phone and email to keep in touch. I believed we were on the same page on long-distance dating. A couple weeks ago I helped a friend put up a profile on this site and was surprised to find his profile back up! He phoned and explained it away. My friend called me this weekend to let me know he'd messaged her. Wow! That got me upset. He told her he'd met nice ladies on this site and had not found that "special person." I was supposed to go out to his place this weekend. I have not confronted him with this information yet, but I'm asking your advice on how to handle it. -- Just Wondering, Winnipeg
Dear Wondering: What does it take to make you mad, girlfriend? He tells other possible conquests he has "not found that special person" and you are included in that judgment. He sneaks and lies -- and you let him explain it all away. He's contacting other women, while inviting you out for some hot action at his abode. Why would you go to his place and give yourself to him sexually, waste time with him, and decrease your feelings of self-worth? You should tell him off, and be finished with him. End of story with this snake!
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