Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

It's time to let go of your fantasy

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a married professional who's in lust with a former co-worker. We worked together for over a year and it was instant attraction between us. We were always professional at work with the odd flirty comment exchanged. Outside of work, we held hands, gave each other backrubs and shared a kiss I will never forget... I have never experienced anything like this before! It's like a magnetic force that just pulls us together when we see each other. A year has passed and we talk through texts and emails. I have initiated meeting for a drink, but he always backs out even though I know he feels the same way I do. I know I should give up because we both have families, but I just can't! -- Help Me Let Go, Winnipeg.

Dear Help Me: He backs out of the "drink" once he can't hear the seduction in your voice anymore. There are two reasons you two won't be heading for the Notel Motel. First, you're both still married and don't want to break up the families and hurt the kids. And you've proven your will to cheat (and might do it to him if he chose to marry you).... You conveniently skipped telling me why you don't work together anymore -- who left the mutual place of employment first? It's really time you let this poor guy stop being the object of your lustful attentions. He went further than he wanted to with the kiss, and now he's (however weakly) trying to free himself from you. If you don't want to be with your husband -- and want to be open to a guy who would excite you like this -- have the guts to tell your husband you're not his one-and-only for life. He deserves to know. You might find out he has someone else himself and doesn't mind an open marriage arrangement, or he may decide enough's enough.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I read your column all the time, your quote that has always stuck with me is, "If he's not getting it at home, he's getting it somewhere!" I'm in a 15-year gay male relationship and just found out my partner has been unfaithful to me in a BIG way for the most part of our relationship. I've found out by his computer logs he spends hours daily checking out porn sites, interactive sites and hook-up sites. He's also active on telephone hook-up sites like Cruiseline. He practises very unsafe sex, and hooks up regularly outside our home, and has even entertained in our home on many occasions when I'm at work (11 p.m.-7 a.m.). I compiled much evidence and confronted him. He was shocked, so I asked him to leave for a few days, to give us both some time to think. After two days he called me and we talked. We both realize how deeply we love each other, and want to see if we can find some help. We don't make very much money, so high-priced therapists are out of the question. I'm desperate, I fear for our lives (we booked doctors appointments to have ourselves checked for STDs). Can you help with some referrals? -- Broken Hearted

Dear Broken: Love doesn't go away instantly when you find someone has cheated on you, so give this breakup a few weeks before you start trying to do major repairs with someone who doesn't deserve to have you. This man's behaviour could be killing you! Frankly the best thing for you would be some personal counselling -- without him -- to figure out why you're hanging onto a man who clearly doesn't have the mindset to be faithful and doesn't care if he harms you. Gay promiscuous males continue to be high risk for AIDS, as you well know. It has all been about satisfying his desires for novelty. Yes, this man is a 15-year emotional habit for you, but you do hint at the beginning you and he aren't having much sex together, so what's left -- history and friendship? A feeling of family? Start with a free-drop in counselling session for yourself at Klinic by calling 784-4067 for places and times. Let the counsellor know what your need is -- a free gay-friendly counsellor who can help you work out your problems over this cheating partner.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 1, 2011 D3

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