DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just came back from a "romantic" weekend with my married lover. His wife was supposedly away on a weekend herself, to see her mother in B.C. We were all leaving on Friday -- she by plane and he and I left by car a few hours later, to go to his cabin. He said phone calls from her would come to his cell so we'd be safe from the witch. She came back one day early because she wasn't feeling well, and he didn't come home all night, of course. She tried to phone him all evening, but he'd turned his cell off while we were being intimate on the Saturday afternoon and forgot to turn it back on until very late. She screamed at him to "get his butt home and say good-bye to his family." Now he's facing a divorce and I'm glad, but I should be acting sad. She doesn't love him like I do, but she has two kids with him. What do you suggest? -- Secretly Happy, Winnipeg
Dear Happy: You don't have much to smile about yet. When you become the Missus, instead of his Mistress, there'll be a vacancy for a clandestine lover if his taste still runs that way. There's small chance he's dying to turn around and marry you, but if that were the case, he probably would have left her on his own. He lost his taboo about cheating awhile back, and married sex may be boring to him. Plus, his angry wife now has two big bargaining chips now -- the kids. If they split, she may try to hold visitation over his head, ordering him to stay away from you if he wants to see the children. That won't last long as it's not legal, but angry people do try it. The last thing she wants is to see you installed as the new stepmom. If she still loves him, she may focus on little old YOU as the enemy. Also remember, he used to love her more than any woman on Earth -- and promised his life to her. She may drop 30 pounds, look like the woman he married again, and be able to re-interest him sexually. Or, she may engage him in a battle over money. On his side he may see a window of opportunity if she turfs him from the family home. He might suddenly feel restless and want to experience some real freedom for a time. You have a lot to think about now the whole game has changed -- and a June wedding isn't one of them.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I said "I just love you!" to my young male co-worker when he got me unstuck in the parking lot a week ago. Now he's following me around the office with big doggy eyes. It's just slipped out of my mouth as I was so grateful. How do I get rid of him? I don't want to bring up what I said, and deny it -- so awkward! Isn't there another way? He's been so useful to me in the past. -- Loose Lips Sink Ships, The Maples
Dear Lips: Useful to you? Your last line finished revealing what your gushing "I love you" is all about. You fawning over someone who helps you out to bring on more helpful behaviour from them -- particularly if you suspect the guy likes you. Don't pretend you don't know that. You need to tell this guy you hope he didn't take your "I love you" as the literal truth. Explain you should have said "I'm so grateful." Then stop using the guy to help you at work. He's no longer one of your minions By the way, other people can hear you leading guys on with your sugar-sweet act. Nobody trusts a phony.